Responsibility

Here’s one I’ve found to be terribly painful.

There is no way for us to enter God’s kingdom, if we cannot accept responsibility to be in control for the thoughts that we are thinking.

About 12 years ago an event happened to me. The person who ‘acted’ the event onto me left me we an idea of how to describe him, a bad bad man.

I got out of that situation, and grew, and decided to write books and a blog and blablabla…

11 years later, I meet someone who triggers that exact state of emotion I had so much trouble getting over.

Today, I reach a point of culmination where – perhaps because of the full moon – I comprehend what I’ve needed to do to overcome what I’ve been fighting against over and over, vehemently for the last 5 months.

So, here goes:

My subconscious has been persecuting me with terrible terrible guilt ridden descriptions for the last 5 months. And every time it would, I would refuse and reject the idea because quite simply it has nothing to do with me. After all, I aspire to do good, be great and do what’s healthy and loving… all that, right?

And nearly every day, I’d reach a point where I’d have to go through this debilitating concept. No thanks, I don’t accept that, and never will. It has nothing to do with me!

A few days would go by, and again, as if my entire internal army had decided to conspire against me, to take siege over my sense of inner peace. I started to consider perhaps ending it. Like, why on earth would I want to go through this repeatedly… I can’t get on with work, I can’t focus on my gift, I can’t make progress. I just have to suffer and see everyone else making progress while I go through ‘muck’…

And then, today, I decided to take a different approach. Give in.

Today, I decided to just lie down with my thoughts and emotions.

It’s important to note that, when we decide to face something head on, it loses it’s power.

Anyhow…

When I reached the point where I decided to close my eyes, all I saw was the pitch black view and the discomfort of my heart feeling out of sync. (In reality it was me who was out of sync with it!)

So, I did breathing, I’ve been doing breathing lately.

And I contemplated what my heart was feeling, tried to figure out what I couldn’t feel for months ( actually 12 years I’ve been unable to feel this one thing.. and stuck in the mind…).

And then… it hit me. I sat with the discomfort, and the emotions, and decided to go along with the visions and the verbal persecutions and give in to them. So I accepted to be what my mind told me I was.

Then, in that clear instance, I was let into heaven. My heart opened up, and I realized (It seems I keep on learning this lesson…) it is only by accepting what is that I can do something about it. Even if, in this instance, it’s not actually true. My mind thinks it is, so I have to accept that my mind thinks it is, even if I know it’s not true.

When we accept what is, we can do something about it.

What’s more? When we take responsibility for ourselves, God let’s us in the kingdom. Not before, if we believe we have no power, or that we have no agency over ourselves, then guess what, we don’t get to be in heaven during our stay! God doesn’t want terrorists in heaven, so you have to leave your state of terror at the door! (We all terrorise ourselves with our beliefs, and thoughts and so on…)