Wait a second, that was really painful!
How come that came about? And what did I learn from it?
For the last few months, I’ve been spending time with a girl, on and off. We’ve been exchanging, opening up, helping each other up from where we were…
I started with me extending a helping hand because I had empathy for her situation and felt I could make a change.
She was my first love, not that I’ve never been out with anyone but, we had been together when we were young at the age of 13. She broke my heart and moved on to greener pastures.
When we were 13, I remember her flirting with all the people around me, mostly my “friends”. This created a painful scenario for my young 13 year old self. I didn’t know how to cope with it. I got jealous and looked at her messages to see who of my “friends” was talking to her and what they’d be saying. She then found out and left me because she couldn’t trust me. – While she was flirting with my friends… –
Anyway, I’d moved on since then and plenty of my experiences had shaped the person I have become. Even though, many of my relationships had a resemblance to the pain I had experienced with this girl. And of course exacerbated childhood traumas which only came to emphasise the extent of my experienced pain.
I had overcome her, I had become who I am, I’ve been through far more difficult situations than the betrayal of this person and the fears that she elicited… Or so I thought.
So, last October I started speaking with her here and there, trying to extend some form of olive branch, thinking that she was some person in need of help only I was able to fix, somehow… She held off from seeing me until March, which looking back was weird.
Well you know, some people believe money is more important than love… Obviously I don’t have to explain her motives.
I had no clue, being simply focussed and empathetic, I invited her over to see if I could try to help her with the extent of my own experience on “stuff”..
We met again, and not even 24 hours passed before she threw a wobbler. I couldn’t understand. I’d apparently done something wrong. I’d spoken to the hostess to ask where I could get Tea for her, as we were having a sauna together… Apparently that was flirting?! I found myself justifying myself to her the entire trip back, not understanding why and hating the fact that I’m justifying, I never justify – I detest it! -.
Then, after spending some time together, she decided to go off to London to work because she wanted money. Then, the covid broke out, and she went to work in Brussels, instead of being able to see me.
Only after a few months, she came back. We saw each other again. I was making good physical progress, as I had been through some traumatic years before, regaining my strength was helpful and apparently happening at that moment in time. – I find it motivating to live up to my partner and try to surprise them in their absence…-
Now, the beginning of summer was approaching, and I actually wanted to see her, I was excited, I thought I was the only one, that I was special in her eyes, that I was… oh yeah, like every other John out there.. haha.
Opening up, naively about my hopes and dreams, my difficulties and hardships. To which she simply told me what I wanted to hear.
Then, I got to a point of doubting. I wondered how she could remain so detached. I couldn’t understand, when two people open up about their difficulties, and want to genuinely spend time together, and enjoy the time they spend together, normally there are sparks and eventually love. I mean, this is my first love we’re talking about here…
I didn’t think much of it. A weird question then came out of the blue… She was to go to a wedding, to which she even made the allusion of inviting me, hypothetically.
She asked of me, after telling me that she was too tired to go and that she didn’t really want to go there, if it was okay to flirt if they go to a club. What the fuck bullshit kind of question is that?! Why don’t you tell me that you’re searching for someone else?
I pinned it down to the fact she’s got a bit of crazy in her and she was simply spitting none-sense out and projecting it somehow…
So, I decided to ask what exactly she was holding back and put everything on the table in order to understand and then move on to relating better… Not only was there another guy, there were at least 10 other guys spread out throughout the world. One or two in Australia, one in Switzerland, one in London probably, one where she went on New Years, the New Years eve she refused to spend with me, and others from Marseille and elsewhere… This, of course was a shock to the system, which I took rather elegantly and without anger. It took a while to sink in…
Then slowly, the ball of string started to unravel. Who were these people? Who was the other guy? Is she still speaking with him, and why? I decided to not look too much into it, as I didn’t want to destroy the great mindset I had created for myself.
Then, we spent more time together, but I started to observe behavioural traits which didn’t add up to her flow of words. She came to me, we’d have sex, then she’d either drive home or get up act warm and become cold on her way to the car. Which was two faced. The Hot and Cold treatment was starting to dig into my emotions. It wasn’t comfortable…
The whole time, not wanting to commit, not wanting to be in a relationship or open up, though also calling me “Darling” and “My Love”, and other signs of affection you normally call out to someone you deeply love. Ambiguously… I made note to myself that it didn’t make sense. Having already been in that situation a few years prior…
Then, in bed one night in august, we’re casually messing around, sexing and all the rest.. And out of the blue, she calls me a whore. It didn’t sit well with me, I couldn’t exactly understand where it came from, but for some reason I just sat with me like a weight. Only a few days later, I decided to look at it for a second. Why would she call me that? What have I ever done to her? My private life is squeaky clean, I’ve done the work on myself and I made sure not to be flirting with anyone if I was to get into a relationship. My love life was immaculate. Sure, I had things to work on, myself for instance, but faith wasn’t an issue here. So, I wondered if she was projecting.
Then something unexpected came, which was way worse! When we were 13, I had “friends” who, let’s say “enjoyed having female attention.” Like most guys, you can’t hold that against them… Though there was this one shit who flirted with her and found it in himself to try to seduce her. This hurt a lot back then. I’d moved on, it’s been 16 years since we first went out together and this incident happened. We were walking, and for about an hour we flirted and played and opened up and exchanged aspirations.
Then, on the way back from that walk, we sit, and we’re simply talking and I ask again, “Is there anyone else?” – To which she replies: “No”. I ask again, in her moment of candid ease, I hoped to get something out of her, observing every single expression on her face and body language. She said she had told the guy who she was flirting with that she was with someone. -But we weren’t together. This made no sense!- I asked again.
What are you hiding? Because you’re acting weird, your vibe keeps changing from hot to cold, I can observe your body language and you’re not being clear. She sais: I’ll tell you another day.. I say: Tell me now. To which she replies: you’ll get angry. I said I wouldn’t.
I slept with your friend from when we were 13… I had no answer for this. I didn’t know how to digest it, nor how to process it. It hadn’t hit me yet. The depth of the betrayal.
You see, a few days before, we’d been invited to spend some time at a newly weds house for some pizza and some catch up, as I hadn’t talked with them for a while.
I made nothing of it, until I connected the dots. The betrayal.
I put a stop to it, though I had feelings for her. Now, torn between what I feel, and what I know is best through my mind, back and forth back and forth…
A few days to a week later, I gave in to my emotions and she came over. From there on the relationship took a turn for the worse. We broke up, got together, broke up, made up, ad infinitum.
She had slept with my friend, whom I was already on the worst of terms with, at their wedding, and I had been invited to their house. Not only did she stab me in the back, she exposed my humility to others in showing me how much of a naive Buffon I am to her. Now, even a month later, this betrayal is twisting my stomach, I don’t know what to do with it. I fluctuate between deep rage and fury, to intense anger, then I pacify my emotions and calm my mind by consciously focussing on me. I go between wanting to hurt them, him or her, and then back to calming myself down and focusing on my higher self and truth. My emotional self still has a deep seated difficulty in accepting this. My conscience on the other hand is helping me to step away from those thoughts and focus on my progress.
Then, it came to a halt. On the phone, she opened up to me and said that she doesn’t know what to choose. To stay here, or to go to a newly found job near Monaco.
Then, she pronounced something I don’t think I’ll forget. “I don’t know what to say to you, I can’t make my mind up, I want to keep my options open.”
I told her to fuck off and blocked her. She then told me she loved me and adored me, but she needed to figure out this within herself. Like a siren in the sea, calling out to anyone in desperate need for affection, hooking on to their emotions in their weakness…
Since, I’ve fluctuated between unblocking, deleting the number, finding the number and blocking again… Only, I my moments of doubt I have friends helping me up the steep road out of this hellish conundrum.
Looking back on this, I observe. I have had a few awakenings.
At the age of 13 we met, and the stereotype of the relationship was based upon the fact that I myself believed women had more power due to Third party aspect.
The third party aspect came from Mum splitting with Dad at 13 and being with someone else. This shattered my perception of relationships from then on.
Though, going through these few months of emotional torture, the schematic of the relationship came up to the light of my conscience.
It has also brought up issues of personal worthiness and self respect, boundaries and self value. I’ve been able to observe the guilt I had from my first relationship and visit the identity I have had for myself and why.
Its taught me that women who project don’t have clear minds and have shit brewing on the back burner, so if she’s acting a little off, she generally has something going on, and believe me its not that its a difficult family issue, its most likely that she’s simply a whore who’s seeking for gold and affection because she can’t sit with herself long enough to find comfort on her own.
It’s taught me how to value my privacy and intimacy to an extent which I hadn’t considered before. The people you let into your life directly have an impact upon you and your development. If you let crazy people into your life, you’ll expose yourself to the risk of catching it yourself.
It also brought me to vetting the people I date, and observing every single little detail of their behaviour beforehand, red-flags, vocal mishaps, and the way they express their texts as opposed to how they are in reality.
The effect of an early relationship can affect the course of your life and your relationships for years onward until you revisit the patterns of why you believe what you believe and how you perceive. For example, at the age of 13, I believed this person didn’t love me because I wasn’t good enough. It turned out she didn’t love me because she was unable to love herself. The quality of my relationships had then become a nuance of what she had done to me. I wasn’t able to love myself, because I had not experienced love from my relationships. In intimate relations, I found myself not being able to commit, by fear of being abandoned, by inability to let myself feel anything, or simply by wanting to keep my options open, this was to do directly with my first relationship.
The experience of intense pain, intense betrayal as well as lies and coverups have taught me the power of letting go and the ability to control my mind. If I am not in control of my mind it runs wild and therefore my emotions are like wildfire.
It brought up issues of insecurity and personal worth. If a scumbag with no morals or values can bang your first love after having told you he’d never do it, and her consenting to it, and they have the ability to be loved, then why can’t I have love? Why am I not worthy? On my rowing machine at the gym, balling my eyes out at the sheer extent of pain the betrayal brought up, I wondered. How come someone who has no values have a good life and is allowed to have love? Especially when I’ve spent my entire life aiming for moral correctness, honesty and integrity… It makes no sense at all, that after all the hard work I’ve put into becoming the man I am today, they can experience love, and not I.
The silver lining in all this is, as I’m not afraid of the emotional pain, I was able to let go of emotional beliefs so deep within by jumping into a relationship with an ex, that I was able to clear myself from beliefs which weren’t mine and no longer served me.
The golden lining which isn’t clearly expressed is that, I have faith which will take me to the perfect person, my soulmate. In becoming the man I need to become and continually working towards being him, somewhere along my path I will find the one.
Maybe not today or tomorrow, that’s not a problem, I still have work to do on myself and lots of healing. But I can rest assured that, even if everything seems rosy from the outside, their conscience and their fates will not last in luck eternally.
Tonight, on the way home riding my bike, I was angry. I nearly sped off the road and into the ditch. As a car clearly overlapped my side of the road, I orientated myself at the car for a fraction of second before course-correcting. I wasn’t phased, I was simply in fury, in rage at the fact of anyone being able to betray me. I then looked back to see if the car had slowed. In doing so, I went towards the ditch.
I realised, with the anger lifting that, these two people who’d clearly stabbed me in the back and had the inability to have any conscience for it, would rot in their own emotions of guilt and their coping mechanisms would finish them off.
I realised, that they were going in the direction of the Car which overlapped a second ago, and I wasn’t going in their direction.
Like the quote sais: don’t look back, that’s not where you’re going. I remind myself of the tortoise and the hare, continu plodding on and you will arrive at the finish line.
The Hairs of the world will have fallen asleep somewhere at the expense of their emotional turmoil. I have nothing to fear.
Ahead lies my hopes and dreams, and I am the master of my ship.
“It can ruin your life only if it can ruin your character.” Marcus Aurelius