Worthy, yet unaware and emotionally abused. The road ahead holds the doors I seek.

Wait a second, that was really painful!
How come that came about? And what did I learn from it?

For the last few months, I’ve been spending time with a girl, on and off. We’ve been exchanging, opening up, helping each other up from where we were…

I started with me extending a helping hand because I had empathy for her situation and felt I could make a change.

She was my first love, not that I’ve never been out with anyone but, we had been together when we were young at the age of 13. She broke my heart and moved on to greener pastures.

When we were 13, I remember her flirting with all the people around me, mostly my “friends”. This created a painful scenario for my young 13 year old self. I didn’t know how to cope with it. I got jealous and looked at her messages to see who of my “friends” was talking to her and what they’d be saying. She then found out and left me because she couldn’t trust me. – While she was flirting with my friends… –

Anyway, I’d moved on since then and plenty of my experiences had shaped the person I have become. Even though, many of my relationships had a resemblance to the pain I had experienced with this girl. And of course exacerbated childhood traumas which only came to emphasise the extent of my experienced pain.

I had overcome her, I had become who I am, I’ve been through far more difficult situations than the betrayal of this person and the fears that she elicited… Or so I thought.

So, last October I started speaking with her here and there, trying to extend some form of olive branch, thinking that she was some person in need of help only I was able to fix, somehow… She held off from seeing me until March, which looking back was weird.
Well you know, some people believe money is more important than love… Obviously I don’t have to explain her motives.

I had no clue, being simply focussed and empathetic, I invited her over to see if I could try to help her with the extent of my own experience on “stuff”..

We met again, and not even 24 hours passed before she threw a wobbler. I couldn’t understand. I’d apparently done something wrong. I’d spoken to the hostess to ask where I could get Tea for her, as we were having a sauna together… Apparently that was flirting?! I found myself justifying myself to her the entire trip back, not understanding why and hating the fact that I’m justifying, I never justify – I detest it! -.

Then, after spending some time together, she decided to go off to London to work because she wanted money. Then, the covid broke out, and she went to work in Brussels, instead of being able to see me.

Only after a few months, she came back. We saw each other again. I was making good physical progress, as I had been through some traumatic years before, regaining my strength was helpful and apparently happening at that moment in time. – I find it motivating to live up to my partner and try to surprise them in their absence…-

Now, the beginning of summer was approaching, and I actually wanted to see her, I was excited, I thought I was the only one, that I was special in her eyes, that I was… oh yeah, like every other John out there.. haha.

Opening up, naively about my hopes and dreams, my difficulties and hardships. To which she simply told me what I wanted to hear.

Then, I got to a point of doubting. I wondered how she could remain so detached. I couldn’t understand, when two people open up about their difficulties, and want to genuinely spend time together, and enjoy the time they spend together, normally there are sparks and eventually love. I mean, this is my first love we’re talking about here…

I didn’t think much of it. A weird question then came out of the blue… She was to go to a wedding, to which she even made the allusion of inviting me, hypothetically.
She asked of me, after telling me that she was too tired to go and that she didn’t really want to go there, if it was okay to flirt if they go to a club. What the fuck bullshit kind of question is that?! Why don’t you tell me that you’re searching for someone else?
I pinned it down to the fact she’s got a bit of crazy in her and she was simply spitting none-sense out and projecting it somehow…

So, I decided to ask what exactly she was holding back and put everything on the table in order to understand and then move on to relating better… Not only was there another guy, there were at least 10 other guys spread out throughout the world. One or two in Australia, one in Switzerland, one in London probably, one where she went on New Years, the New Years eve she refused to spend with me, and others from Marseille and elsewhere… This, of course was a shock to the system, which I took rather elegantly and without anger. It took a while to sink in…

Then slowly, the ball of string started to unravel. Who were these people? Who was the other guy? Is she still speaking with him, and why? I decided to not look too much into it, as I didn’t want to destroy the great mindset I had created for myself.

Then, we spent more time together, but I started to observe behavioural traits which didn’t add up to her flow of words. She came to me, we’d have sex, then she’d either drive home or get up act warm and become cold on her way to the car. Which was two faced. The Hot and Cold treatment was starting to dig into my emotions. It wasn’t comfortable…

The whole time, not wanting to commit, not wanting to be in a relationship or open up, though also calling me “Darling” and “My Love”, and other signs of affection you normally call out to someone you deeply love. Ambiguously… I made note to myself that it didn’t make sense. Having already been in that situation a few years prior…

Then, in bed one night in august, we’re casually messing around, sexing and all the rest.. And out of the blue, she calls me a whore. It didn’t sit well with me, I couldn’t exactly understand where it came from, but for some reason I just sat with me like a weight. Only a few days later, I decided to look at it for a second. Why would she call me that? What have I ever done to her? My private life is squeaky clean, I’ve done the work on myself and I made sure not to be flirting with anyone if I was to get into a relationship. My love life was immaculate. Sure, I had things to work on, myself for instance, but faith wasn’t an issue here. So, I wondered if she was projecting.

Then something unexpected came, which was way worse! When we were 13, I had “friends” who, let’s say “enjoyed having female attention.” Like most guys, you can’t hold that against them… Though there was this one shit who flirted with her and found it in himself to try to seduce her. This hurt a lot back then. I’d moved on, it’s been 16 years since we first went out together and this incident happened. We were walking, and for about an hour we flirted and played and opened up and exchanged aspirations.

Then, on the way back from that walk, we sit, and we’re simply talking and I ask again, “Is there anyone else?” – To which she replies: “No”. I ask again, in her moment of candid ease, I hoped to get something out of her, observing every single expression on her face and body language. She said she had told the guy who she was flirting with that she was with someone. -But we weren’t together. This made no sense!- I asked again.
What are you hiding? Because you’re acting weird, your vibe keeps changing from hot to cold, I can observe your body language and you’re not being clear. She sais: I’ll tell you another day.. I say: Tell me now. To which she replies: you’ll get angry. I said I wouldn’t.

I slept with your friend from when we were 13… I had no answer for this. I didn’t know how to digest it, nor how to process it. It hadn’t hit me yet. The depth of the betrayal.
You see, a few days before, we’d been invited to spend some time at a newly weds house for some pizza and some catch up, as I hadn’t talked with them for a while.
I made nothing of it, until I connected the dots. The betrayal.

I put a stop to it, though I had feelings for her. Now, torn between what I feel, and what I know is best through my mind, back and forth back and forth…

A few days to a week later, I gave in to my emotions and she came over. From there on the relationship took a turn for the worse. We broke up, got together, broke up, made up, ad infinitum.

She had slept with my friend, whom I was already on the worst of terms with, at their wedding, and I had been invited to their house. Not only did she stab me in the back, she exposed my humility to others in showing me how much of a naive Buffon I am to her. Now, even a month later, this betrayal is twisting my stomach, I don’t know what to do with it. I fluctuate between deep rage and fury, to intense anger, then I pacify my emotions and calm my mind by consciously focussing on me. I go between wanting to hurt them, him or her, and then back to calming myself down and focusing on my higher self and truth. My emotional self still has a deep seated difficulty in accepting this. My conscience on the other hand is helping me to step away from those thoughts and focus on my progress.

Then, it came to a halt. On the phone, she opened up to me and said that she doesn’t know what to choose. To stay here, or to go to a newly found job near Monaco.
Then, she pronounced something I don’t think I’ll forget. “I don’t know what to say to you, I can’t make my mind up, I want to keep my options open.”

I told her to fuck off and blocked her. She then told me she loved me and adored me, but she needed to figure out this within herself. Like a siren in the sea, calling out to anyone in desperate need for affection, hooking on to their emotions in their weakness…

Since, I’ve fluctuated between unblocking, deleting the number, finding the number and blocking again… Only, I my moments of doubt I have friends helping me up the steep road out of this hellish conundrum.

Looking back on this, I observe. I have had a few awakenings.

At the age of 13 we met, and the stereotype of the relationship was based upon the fact that I myself believed women had more power due to Third party aspect.
The third party aspect came from Mum splitting with Dad at 13 and being with someone else. This shattered my perception of relationships from then on.
Though, going through these few months of emotional torture, the schematic of the relationship came up to the light of my conscience.

It has also brought up issues of personal worthiness and self respect, boundaries and self value. I’ve been able to observe the guilt I had from my first relationship and visit the identity I have had for myself and why.

Its taught me that women who project don’t have clear minds and have shit brewing on the back burner, so if she’s acting a little off, she generally has something going on, and believe me its not that its a difficult family issue, its most likely that she’s simply a whore who’s seeking for gold and affection because she can’t sit with herself long enough to find comfort on her own.

It’s taught me how to value my privacy and intimacy to an extent which I hadn’t considered before. The people you let into your life directly have an impact upon you and your development. If you let crazy people into your life, you’ll expose yourself to the risk of catching it yourself.

It also brought me to vetting the people I date, and observing every single little detail of their behaviour beforehand, red-flags, vocal mishaps, and the way they express their texts as opposed to how they are in reality.

The effect of an early relationship can affect the course of your life and your relationships for years onward until you revisit the patterns of why you believe what you believe and how you perceive. For example, at the age of 13, I believed this person didn’t love me because I wasn’t good enough. It turned out she didn’t love me because she was unable to love herself. The quality of my relationships had then become a nuance of what she had done to me. I wasn’t able to love myself, because I had not experienced love from my relationships. In intimate relations, I found myself not being able to commit, by fear of being abandoned, by inability to let myself feel anything, or simply by wanting to keep my options open, this was to do directly with my first relationship.

The experience of intense pain, intense betrayal as well as lies and coverups have taught me the power of letting go and the ability to control my mind. If I am not in control of my mind it runs wild and therefore my emotions are like wildfire.

It brought up issues of insecurity and personal worth. If a scumbag with no morals or values can bang your first love after having told you he’d never do it, and her consenting to it, and they have the ability to be loved, then why can’t I have love? Why am I not worthy? On my rowing machine at the gym, balling my eyes out at the sheer extent of pain the betrayal brought up, I wondered. How come someone who has no values have a good life and is allowed to have love? Especially when I’ve spent my entire life aiming for moral correctness, honesty and integrity… It makes no sense at all, that after all the hard work I’ve put into becoming the man I am today, they can experience love, and not I.

The silver lining in all this is, as I’m not afraid of the emotional pain, I was able to let go of emotional beliefs so deep within by jumping into a relationship with an ex, that I was able to clear myself from beliefs which weren’t mine and no longer served me.

The golden lining which isn’t clearly expressed is that, I have faith which will take me to the perfect person, my soulmate. In becoming the man I need to become and continually working towards being him, somewhere along my path I will find the one.
Maybe not today or tomorrow, that’s not a problem, I still have work to do on myself and lots of healing. But I can rest assured that, even if everything seems rosy from the outside, their conscience and their fates will not last in luck eternally.

Tonight, on the way home riding my bike, I was angry. I nearly sped off the road and into the ditch. As a car clearly overlapped my side of the road, I orientated myself at the car for a fraction of second before course-correcting. I wasn’t phased, I was simply in fury, in rage at the fact of anyone being able to betray me. I then looked back to see if the car had slowed. In doing so, I went towards the ditch.
I realised, with the anger lifting that, these two people who’d clearly stabbed me in the back and had the inability to have any conscience for it, would rot in their own emotions of guilt and their coping mechanisms would finish them off.
I realised, that they were going in the direction of the Car which overlapped a second ago, and I wasn’t going in their direction.

Like the quote sais: don’t look back, that’s not where you’re going. I remind myself of the tortoise and the hare, continu plodding on and you will arrive at the finish line.
The Hairs of the world will have fallen asleep somewhere at the expense of their emotional turmoil. I have nothing to fear.

Ahead lies my hopes and dreams, and I am the master of my ship.

“It can ruin your life only if it can ruin your character.” Marcus Aurelius

Psychological updates

Have you ever wondered about the concept of why highly successful people will only associate with people who are higher up than they are? And why they need to be surrounded by an entourage of people who make their lives better simply because the people who are around them are better in respects to X or Y domaine?

Its about the concept of psychological updates.

In us, we all have a masculine and feminine internatal structure. This internal structure is based upon our internal father and mother. The knowledge which, has been looked upon and worked and updated to the latest and best firmware our emotional connections can deliver. Our minds then try to make sense of the relationships we currently have or had and then once the “installation” or psychological adaptation of the new Masculine or Feminine internal reference inside our psyche’s we feel a sense of freedom inside which inspires us towards action with a new perspective.

The new perspectives are based upon the fact we changed our base knowledge upon which we are experiencing the world. Our current perception is changed upon the evolution of our internal Masculine or Feminine references.

So, for example, meeting a mentor will help us, if he is a man, to evolve in regards to our inner Masculine. Same for a Feminine reference.

This also works when you’re in a relationship with someone. If the relationship is really difficult to accept and deal with on an emotional level, this simply denotes internal tectonic plaques moving our entire perception due to the depth at which they are working upon us. Now, I’m not referencing superficial relationships, obviously you’ll have to have done the work on yourself, and many entrepreneurs have.

Though what I’m grabbing at here is the depth of a relationship and how able you are to share on a profound level will ultimately alter your perception on a core level. This is why relationships with family members are the hardest to deal with and why arguments with family members are so raw. It’s straight to the bone. And the more open you can be with someone, the stronger the shift when arguments take place or changes occur.

For example, if you’re struggling with someone who has traits you simply cannot accept, the confrontation with that individual will create a visceral reaction within you. The nature of that emotion, in the moment will be intense and maybe difficult to get over, but ultimately you’ll be moving core foundational settings within you.

Singular blueprints; one size fits all knowledge.

We live neither in the era of Jesus, nor do we live in the era of King Salomon, Martin Luther King Jr, or even Bill Gates… even if he lives in the same era as us he wasn’t born in the same generation as mine and his mind formed very differently to that of my generation for example.

As much as there is interesting and maybe coherent information stemming from different era’s, societies and other people; globally, their lives are different from yours.
Their quotes may inspire motivation or might compel you to action, an aspect in their life and how they delt with it may give you key insights in miming it.

But their lives may only give you a piece of the jigsaw puzzle you need to build your life. Copying other people and doing what they do is a recipe for disaster, simply because their call to action ignites something within them. Though, your internal blueprint, even if similar, is different. Your call to action, your “Aha” moment, your passion towards achieving this one thing is stemmed/linked/stems from something deep down inside you.

Everyone has a different blueprint, no matter how similar we are to each other, in appearance or values, we are deeply different on a number of levels. For this reason, we must simply sift and soft, picking information and taking from what people say with a light pinch of salt. As Opposed to taking the entire jar of salt which would make the dish/project/idea you’re working on disgusting and would spoil the end result.
We, as entities, have different aura’s, vibes, mindsets, perspectives, etc and take away very different conclusions, albeit similar from specific situations, but overall no two people are the same, no matter how much they look alike, sound the same or have similar thoughts…

When we take space and ground ourselves, or better put we “center ourselves”,
we are like Micheal Angelo, refining and thus freeing the sculpture from the brute material, the vast amount of information pilled up in our mind and creating our masterpiece: the idea or the perception. The cornerstone, which becomes foundation to our point of view.

By adding and retracting specific knowledge and accepting or rejecting information, our minds are sorting the wheat from the chaff. Some concepts will stick with us like cement, others will have to be disguarded. Though overall it is in the refining that we discover the essential of what we need.

I say this, bearing in mind my own sensitivity. For this is how I function specifically.
My mind, like a basket on market day, adding the produce of knowledge as my curiosity and interest wax and wane. Until a point where my basket becomes heavy.

I can either:
Get stronger, by going to the Gym and pushing myself so that I can carry more next time.
Separate the fruit and vege/Ideas and concepts, into multiple baskets.
-Make a trip to the Car/home and come back for more.
-Or admit that I have enough until the following week when the farmers come back to sell their produce. Time to go home and consume the food.

The same principles apply to our minds with knowledge:

We can either become stronger and force our minds to accumulate more information, thus rendering the Idea to be colossal and fortified. Many Specialists have this capacity.

We can Separate the bits of information into multiple bite size pieces in order to digest them and comprehend them. Imagine eating a 20Ounce Steak in one bite; you’d choke.
Smaller bite size pieces, deconstructed and then assimilated over time as having processed the whole steak/the majority of the subject, makes it easier to digest.

We can take a pause, offload our minds and come back to our information once we’ve cleared our minds. Offloading can be helpful, in that we overly saturate our minds by pushing the rythmes and quantity/quality of that which we need to consume. Usually we are taught that we need to do more, force feed our minds, and push through until it becomes acceptable and easy to us. Though, like bodybuilding, we’re still stressing our body to achieve a result. We have allocated energy and interest to delve into knowledge.
Once spent, its time to do something else to replenish the energy.

Or, we can be satisfied with the knowledge we have of the subject or matter and come back to it later. Sometimes and most times, we don’t need as much as we think we do.
We simply need time and rest to come back to it later with a more satisfied perspective or appreciation.

Make your work vulnerable

Guilty. I haven’t been around since I last put my blog on hold…

I need to confess. It hasn’t been from laziness, mainly from doubt. 

I’ve been writing, even without publishing my articles. 

Sharing my work though, has been what I’ve been procrastinating about. It’s not that my work is even worthy or original or even in any form interesting.

I’ve put in on a pedestal in my head, which has been preventing me from sharing it. 

Now, instead of sharing and building a wider audience, keeping consistency and simply working at making my articles better as I write them. I’ve been hypothesising, withdrawing and then self doubting.

I haven’t been exposing my work to criticism. Which has prevented me from receiving any form of external reference. Having no external reference isn’t productive even though we’re the only one’s to ultimately decide if what we’re sharing makes sense, is the best quality we can produce and is shippable.  

Without actually looking at the quality of my work, I’ve been drafting it as soon as it gets to an acceptable state. Is it shippable though? The fear of not being able to express something without rejection or indifference. 

I have a perfectible nature, which leads me to want to make my work better and see most flaws yet never be utterly content with it. Which means, I ultimately postpone publishing because the nature of my work is either too similar to other peoples,

uninspiring, or lacking any quality of content. Obviously, if its only blabbering, there isn’t much point in saying it at all. That’s what drafts are for. 

-I think we can very easily focus on what is wrong a lot of the time. Especially when it comes to writing. Which leads to inaction or fear of conviction towards taking action. – 

I say this bearing in mind that even the best writers have a draft box/sketch-pad full of mistakes and screwups. 

Hence why I write articles which aren’t perfect. I do this on purpose, just to get over the point of publishing. Then I might come back to it later.
Research, write, edit, post, repeat.

If you aren’t satisfied with your work, that is fine. Continu working on it until you’ve reached the desired outcome.

Having trouble creating?

The trick to creating is simplicity. You have to fulfil Five main things when creating.

1) Take away all external pressure, obligations or external impositions, lead your life with a free flowing curiosity.

2) Kill all deadlines. Having to do something by such and such date, time, puts pressure on your work. Sometimes, the simple act of being inspired creates works of art beyond anything which is rushed or pressured. We’re not coal being transformed into diamonds.
We’re more like water influenced by the energy we impose upon ourselves. (Check out Dr Masaru Emoto’s Water Experiments )

3) Have a deep sense of trust that you’re safe and sound; an intense knowing that you’re protected. Being relaxed produces far better results than feeling threatened by something.

4) Trusting and be carried by life. Life has your back. You’re not against the world. If anything, you’re supported and the universe conspires to help you understand and act in your best interest. Sometimes doors don’t open for a reason, they’re not meant for you.
You know, because your soul isn’t a one size fits all. You’re a once in a world type of person, never again will anyone or anything be the same as you.
Nothing can alter your state, because you’re secure and safe, no one can judge you,
you are accepted in your state, you are flowing in creation.

5) Don’t compare. Only put in your mind/place your focus on what is going to nourish your mind. Watching a YouTube video will send you down a spiral, same for instagram or anywhere someone else is doing better than you. It will deplete your energy for nothing.

Carried by bliss, you’re at ease, the wind blows and caresses your skin, you’re comfortable, you’re in love with life.

You need not do anything, because everything you do is perfect In its own way.

You expand the perfection of skill you’ve been blessed with, life is easy like a summer afternoon on a yacht, bobbing to the sound of waves, relaxing music and love.

You’re blessed.

We flow more in acceptance than in will.

If writing has taught me anything, it is that we don’t have to expose everything.

By expose I mean we don’t have to express everything that is going through our minds.
We are entitled to internal privacy of thoughts, feelings, understandings.
Not everything that goes through our minds needs to be expressed externally.

We are entitled to privacy. Just as we are all alarmed by the concept of Google, Apple,
Alexa, and other software which collects our research data or location.

For a while, the dilemma of using social media, having to expose every single little detail
in the faintest of hopes that someone will see something special about who we are in the sharing of our pathetic dribbles of the mind and believe we are worthy of being rich and famous has kept me somewhat inert. Should I delete social media? Should I expose everything? Will I miss out on what is happening and be left behind?

Truth is, I’m not being left behind, because there isn’t anything to keep up with. 

This being said, I am in obligation to go at my own rhythm if I want to appreciate life.
Which is probably the most important aspect. A while back, I saw a quote by the Buddha, saying “It is better to travel well than to arrive”. This hits home doesn’t it?

Life is so much better when you are going at your own rhythm, not trying to keep up with the latest trends on social media, what every single social media user is trying to sell, influence, promote etc.

I really appreciate Not doing anything. A little like the concept of processed food, processed information is something to be wary of. Most people using social media aren’t as sane of mind as we could hope them to be. They may have beautiful lives, but they’re probably not in a state of peace though.

Don’t be guilty, you don’t have to DO in order to BE, life will take care of you if you trust it to do so. There is only so much fighting for something we can do before it becomes fighting against ourselves.

We’re here to witness and experience life, not to impose our ant like influence upon the world. Sometimes it’s better to let go and flow with the grace of life.

Open the sails of your mind, and let the wind of life carry you to where you need to go, or at least where it wants you to go.

ATTENTION: Social media causes Hyper-selectivity

Swipe. Swipe. Toggle. Swipe. Swipe…

Our standards have drastically been altered. Being confronted with a constant visual stimulus of change has hardwired us to pick, sift and sort what we think we most desire and/or (depending on our evolution) need in order to be happy. Or, in other words, what we think we need in order to fit into our respective groupe/tribe.

The emergence of social media and internet has given us insight, in fact tremendous insight, into our core fibres as singular individuals among the crowd in which we blend day in and day out in our everyday lives. Having a smart phone with access to everything happening everywhere all the time, has given us an almost god-like power over our decisions and choices regarding what we do with our time, money and effort.

Mostly anyone with an instagram account has had access to entrepreneurial information, insight into beauty tips, luxury tips, photography, bitcoin, world pollution; this leads us, to learn how to acknowledge our neighbours and understand a bit (a lot) about them.
Which also creates a lust for others lifes, which can be percieved as healthy peer pressure in order to up our standards. Though this can also create pressure that we cannot support due to not being in the right frame or mind or health.
This also leads to a downside that some of us are starting to encounter. Virtual realities and especially make-believe realities do not exist or are unachievable and the actuality of the lives lived on instagram aren’t always as glamorous as they seem.

The Downside:

-Our attention span has shortened and people who are avid users, tend to “log off” from their realities as soon as what is being said/seen doesn’t interest them. This also applies for discussions, dating, and many other topics.

-This breeds, a lack of tolerance for not being a master/thebest at the subject in question which inevitably forces the individual to either up their game, or be rejected for not being good enough. Which seems inhumain from the perception of anyone who is a little weak, or who hasn’t yet reached that level of success in their domaine.

-Big contrast between one’s reality and other peoples realities, which makes it hard to accept the realities some of us are experiencing.

-Lots of time wasting while we tune out to dream about what others are doing in some distant paradise, while we twiddle our thumbs in our dingy caves.

-Judgement. People are now judged on their profiles. Instead of actually knowing about the people at hand. We now get to see the people we are talking to, we see their photography skills, their surroundings, and we see what they stand for, or at least their capacity to Sell or write themselves up, or not.

Will we get back to meeting people like we used to? Do we really need our phones in order to live optimal lives? Do we need to keep up with everything? …