It all starts in the mind. With a decision.
Up until now, I’ve learned to listen to my higher self, or to a degree what I thought was my higher self. I’ve observed and strived to be in alignment with myself. And so, despite my fathers indications I followed my higher-self and wrote a blog. This felt right. It felt good. Maybe I was simply caressing my ego, maybe I was giving myself a boost of self-confidence, by taking time out from ‘real life’, maybe… It then lead me to publish a book, then a second, then a third, a blog, a newsletter, and then go back to school to learn how to code.
Then, my father passed away. I had no one to fight against. All of my habits had been in contrast to something / a point of view, in opposition to someone. Then, there’s no one there to rebel against, the invincible rock I spent my life verbally pounding against, was no longer.
In many respects, I believe that my opposition was justified. Not because my father was a bad person, but because of some of the points of views and beliefs he held. These didn’t sit well with me and I found them to be contrary to what I was striving for. Though, his opinions did not necessarily represent him underneath. We got along in many ways. Though, we didn’t get along when it came to what I wanted to do. I’ve never liked being told what to do, or even influenced in anyway. As if I’ve been striving to follow some divine internal guidance. And perhaps I have been guided all the while.
I’ve become accustomed to a way of life, and I’ve created the habit of functionning within certain parameters, only to be destabilised when faced with a deep challenge & change.
I’ve overcome a good number of personal issues in my life and the, in a moment of folly, I saw my vulnerable fragilities exposed. I say folly, I was hurting because my dad had just died and the grief ate me from the inside. As I observed this grief cause internal pain, I observed myself seek ways to numb the pain. Feeling powerless as to the depth and intensity, but also how scattered I had become in contrast to who I was only a few months prior.
So I began my downfall, only to observe that since I’d already overcome my issues, and had already built an interesting toolkit to do so, I was able to halt my fall before I went too far down the hill.
I am able to start my ascent back up my personal mountain, except this time I know where I am headed with more clarity. I’ve already been up and down these paths.
This time I get to fortify and solidify the points of weakness I didn’t address in my first ascent.
This time I get to do it better. This time I’m doing it for me.
Before we build a good life, we must first start with the foundation and I believe that is the mind. Everything starts in the mind.
Cherokee.blog 