Up until now, I’ve learned to listen to my higher self, or to a degree what I thought was my higher self. I’ve observed and strived to be in alignment with myself. And so, despite my fathers indications I followed my higher-self and wrote a blog. This felt right. It felt good. Maybe I was simply caressing my ego, maybe I was giving myself a boost of self-confidence, by taking time out from ‘real life’, maybe… It then lead me to publish a book, then a second, then a third, a blog, a newsletter, and then go back to school to learn how to code.
Then, my father passed away. I had no one to fight against. All of my habits had been in contrast to something / a point of view, in opposition to someone. Then, there’s no one there to rebel against, the invincible rock I spent my life verbally pounding against, was no longer.
In many respects, I believe that my opposition was justified. Not because my father was a bad person, but because of some of the points of views and beliefs he held. These didn’t sit well with me and I found them to be contrary to what I was striving for. Though, his opinions did not necessarily represent him underneath. We got along in many ways. Though, we didn’t get along when it came to what I wanted to do. I’ve never liked being told what to do, or even influenced in anyway. As if I’ve been striving to follow some divine internal guidance. And perhaps I have been guided all the while.
I’ve become accustomed to a way of life, and I’ve created the habit of functionning within certain parameters, only to be destabilised when faced with a deep challenge & change.
I’ve overcome a good number of personal issues in my life and the, in a moment of folly, I saw my vulnerable fragilities exposed. I say folly, I was hurting because my dad had just died and the grief ate me from the inside. As I observed this grief cause internal pain, I observed myself seek ways to numb the pain. Feeling powerless as to the depth and intensity, but also how scattered I had become in contrast to who I was only a few months prior.
So I began my downfall, only to observe that since I’d already overcome my issues, and had already built an interesting toolkit to do so, I was able to halt my fall before I went too far down the hill.
I am able to start my ascent back up my personal mountain, except this time I know where I am headed with more clarity. I’ve already been up and down these paths.
This time I get to fortify and solidify the points of weakness I didn’t address in my first ascent.
This time I get to do it better. This time I’m doing it for me.
Before we build a good life, we must first start with the foundation and I believe that is the mind. Everything starts in the mind.
The greatest of understandings I’ve understood through my own experience is, START where you are. When you choose the state you are currently in, and accept it. You can start working towards where you want to go with the thing you want to evolve.
Start where you are mentally, find where you are on your internal path.
Start where you are physically, what weights can you lift and grow your muscle with here, not the heaviest you can lift, but what can your muscle comfortably support.
Start with where you are emotionally, what are you feeling right here and don’t repress it.
Start where you are financially, what do you have and how can you BEST use those finances for the best impact Right now? Instead of wanting more to do what you can already best start.
Start out where you are health-wise
Start out where you are relationship-wise.
Start-out where you are business wise, start with what you’ve got and do the best you can.
Start out where you are spiritually.
Start out where you are habit-wise.
When we can accept where we are, first and foremost, we can decide to empower what we have and appreciate what we have.
When we reject where we are, what we have, where we are, we can’t use it to our advantage, we can’t build on it, we can’t grow it.
You must start from where you are.
If you can start from where you are, you have control.
You don’t have control or power over something that is out of your reach.
In July, I met a woman. It seemed to be one of those delusional love flings where two people meet and fall passionately and deludedly for one another, and then as quickly as they came into each others lives, then the relationship would abruptly end and both would move on as if nothing had happened. Fair enough
Since september 2022 – after publishing my book- I have been studying Coding. I’d reached a point in the road where I’d had enough of not making any money through my writing. It was time to learn a skill that could earn me some money so I could finally be financially independent, so I could finally be free.
As I learned to code, and input logic into my brain, I also observed a strange phenomenon. I’ve always been somewhat interested in the aesthetic, and I’ve always taken great pride in the spontenaity and artistic expression of my hand-writing. Though, as I learned to code, my thought process became ebby, and so did my writing flow. Rather than flowing – as my thoughts would usually be- my thought process had become clumsy and unclear.
I always took great pride in my ideation. Little bursts of brilliance, sprouting grandiosely there in my cerebrum. Like popcorn flowers, poping and blooming after a spring rain.
The lifestyle of a writer, seems to encompass his mind from wake til rest. It tends to take over his entire focus, while walking, while cycling. His ideas tend to be the high part of his day, and his research incorporated in his being. And with every breathing moment, a new idea is another fantastic insight offered off of the tree of his routine.
But although all of this, as fantastic as it may be, the impending sentiment of riding out a never ending prison sentence until one ‘makes it’ and gets to sell his million copies thus delivering a proverbial get-out-of-jail-card. It looms like a heavy cloud on one’s sense of personal freedom. Especially in an era where our social lives tend to be cut short, and we’re somewhat forced to observe while the rest of the world lives a wild and adventurous life of wonder and abundance.
I know, I know… don’t compare, as comparison is the thief of all joy. Perhaps this is true. But on the otherside, I also find that living solely in the world of ideas is etherial and lacks the physical substance a man needs to feel alive. I don’t consider myself to be capable to let go of relationships on a Buddhist level and become fully monk-like.
I don’t believe that one has to be a starving arstist, especially in a day and age where content is king. Solely, I’m not sure how to make my writing interesting for others, or how to live off it.
And so began my journey to become a full stack web developer. I find it thrilling on one hand, because the ability to use technology to automate and build is interesting. Especially for someone like me who, as a kid enjoyed the thrills of Robot wars, lego and mechano. Coding is essentially the equivalent for adults with basic math skills.
At first, and with discipline, I set out boldly to learn how to create a website, an app, an learn the languages. Then I realised that my handwriting started to change, but I gathered that if I was going to become a developer and put money on the table, some things didn’t really matter as much.
I kept reading on the side, and enjoyed posting a weekly newsletter, I found that having balance seemed to be key to keeping ideas flowing through my mind. I spent my days learning about code, my evenings reading, and my weekends writing. This went well for a while, up until my father passed away. Then, I got out of the habit of writing and reading. I simply found it hard to maintain any form of habit to be honest.
A few months later, and after having reached a point of mental stagnation in my code learning, I started to doubt my ability to think in code, or code spontaneously. And although I can put code together like a rudimentary ape puts cube shapes through a toy frame, I felt the need to take a break. And… that’s when I met the woman.
I say this because, at some point near the end of our relationship, I shared my writing and my art, and my mission to succeed as a developer. To which she replied, that my writing is a gift.
Now, this is something I find frustrating. The notion that, because I have a gift, it should take a form of dominence over everything in my life and should dictate what I need to do and what I can’t do. As if the idea of having a gift in writing should prevent me from working as a developer.
In China, there is such a thing as a ‘Zhuazhou’. The Zhuazhou is essentially a form of birthday party focussed around the kid making a choice which will determine its destiny. Among the objects the child will choose between a pen, a paintbrush, a wad of cash, and other such iconic objects which will determine the childs path. Of course, this seems wildly fatalistic. In the book ‘Range‘ by David Epstein, the author talks about a train of thought in which superstars -such as Tigerwoods and other high performers- pick a sport, adapt quickly and then spend the rest of their lives with an advantage over the rest of the world.
What I find difficult to accept with the Zhuazhou ou the early adoption path is that the notion of free will doesn’t seem to enter the picture. For me, I like to toy with the idea of ‘Divergence‘. That our destiny is not set in stone and that we should be able to choose and shift towards what we believe -as conscious adults- is best suited for us.
One side tends to lean towards the idea that ‘the universe’ or ‘God’ has a plan for us, and that we will somehow be guided towards a dream outcome, while the other seems to believe that we create our own luck and outcomes through preparation and hard-work.
So, what does this mean?
On the one hand, if there is some intangible entity which has gifted us with a talent or gift and that gift is to serve us to reach our fullest potential to serve others, shouldn’t it be revealed and clear what path we should take? And on the other, if its simply a question of preparation and hard-work, how come we reach a point of mental stagnation?
Here, I see the fight between Heart and Mind. What we like, and is flowing, and what we know is best, and is enacted through disciplined action. Perhaps there is a perfect balance.
Do what is hard when life is easy, so that when life is hard life will be easy.
I believe the answer lies somewhere between the logical and safe approach to life, getting a diploma and studying well, getting a good job we’re good at and applying our skills. And on the other, doing what enlightens us, doing what brings us energy, having the courage to live in our zone of risk. When we get out of our comfort zone, we are forced to sink or swim. There is something quite energising about the immediacy of having to thrive to survive. It is as if, we become alive with alertness. And if we don’t produce the results, then we sink, so we have to make it work.
When the individual finds his zone of genius, and becomes good at it, there will come a fork in the road where he will be forced to make a decision. To take a leap of faith or to continue to live safely while always wondering what if.
I guess it all comes down to our risk tolerance and ability to embrace failure and the possibility of not succeeding. Do we believe in ourselves enough about the attainment of the vision we are driven by and aspire to? Or do we inherently distrust the process? And if so, why do we distrust the process? What pain does ‘trusting the process’ mean for us? And how can we align ourselves with our highest interest?
For some reason, I always find myself going back to Samuel Beckett’s “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” . To grow unafraid of the learning process of falling, so much so that we gather momentum in our process, and rather than stumbling on our obstacles, we simply hop over them, sidestep them graciously and carry on unperturbed by the external rain, because within an eternal sunshine shines its warmth and our vision fuels us on like coal in a steame-engin.
Start anew.
*As for the woman? We never spoke again. She was simply there to remind me that I have a gift in my writing. Like an angel passing by, to nudge me along in the right direction. Entering my life to remove my obsolete onion skins of outdated belief and instil new ones. Like winter erases the months before and lets the land lie fallow, all states of mind have an end.
We don’t solve a problem by focussing on the problem, but by focussing on solutions. Better yet, we don’t find the solution by focussing on the problem, but by focussing on new things.
This is easy, its the process of ideation.
We start with accumulating new information we want,
We then reach a point of saturation,
We then step away from our work of accumulation,
We finally reach a point of ideation (for example when we step into the shower, or go for a run…)
Thats it. Input, Process, Output.
This is something that took me a while to understand. My younger self would spend his time focussing on the problem, only to find dismayed that he had then compounded the problem and had exacerbated it. A bit like a kid picking a scab and never letting it heal.
We simply cannot find a solution to something if we are hanging on to the problem for dear life. This is what happens when people get addiction or live in fear. Horror vacui, ( ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’). Or in other words, humans will plug a hole with anything possible, they hate open loops.
For example, when someone is struggling, the solution is not to let them obssess over their problem, but to help introduce them to experience new things and focus on something else which might be more fruitful.
I awoke this morning, alarmed, uncomfortable, uneasy, because I had spend the better part of yesterday’s afternoon leaning on a coping mecanism to help me navigate the feeling of powerlessness. I had wanted to numb the numbness. And so, I awoke at 4.44, heart racing, feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by this vision I had been focussing on. And wondered if the way I was going was the only way possible. I then remembered a passage from James Allen “Environment is but your looking-glass…” which then prompted me that the contents of what I am envisionning are but the remnants of what I have been putting in my mind.
Which brought me to the understanding that ‘if we don’t take the trash out of our house, our house begins to stink‘. Or in other words, we must let go of the past, and clean out and make space for good fresh things to enter our lives. Keeping old rotting flowers isn’t romantic, and keeps us rooted in the past. We can’t hold on to a rotting piece of meat once its time is gone, if we do we’ll end up with parasites. The same is true of anything in our environment. Which is simply a projection of our internal world.
My father passed away not too long ago, and I’ve found myself imagining him watching down on me from above. This has given me more meaning in our Father above. This has brought the need to strive to build a life that I’m proud of, that I want to talk about. When we do so, we feel pride, not shame.
We build a life we’re proud of by focussing on what we want.
When I was younger and throughout my life, my father gave me gifts. And I now see that these gifts were Gods tests to see if I was ready to recieve material. I wasn’t. I failed, and faltered a few times, and ruined or lost the gifts he gave me, maybe because I felt angry at the time, or unappreciative. I was ungrateful. Ultimately I ruined those gifts. But I see the larger picture, these were trials for me to take care and appreciate what I had, not depreciate them. And only after his passing was I ready to fully appreciate what was his and take care of it. *
God, through my father, had only been preparing me for the times ahead. Shaping me for who I am today and who I am to become. To appreciate who and what I am and have. There are certain things God won’t trust you with if you’re not capable of appreciating them fully. You’d ruin them, which is why you must learn appreciation before you recieve anything.
We must burn the boats to what is holding us back, to our excuses, to our past, to what no longer serves us. We must strive to live up to everything we see and saw in our father. As man under God, our purpose is to create a life we are proud of, to lead by example, to live with courage and compassion. And to enjoy the fruits of our hard work, whatever they may be.
*This also brings me to the concept that a fathers son is a prince in preparation for the throne. Before a boy’s father passes away he cannot fully become a man, he cannot understand fully the responsibility his father carries on his shoulders for his father does it for him. And when the inevitable day comes to pass, the boy who had been in preparation up until that moment has no other path but to ascend to the role of the father. The prince becomes the King.
We usually tend to describe what matters as something that has value to us. What we like, what we think we need, what we want… Our needs are shaped by the world we live in, the societal standards, the social media, the unexpressed desires, and our world of consumption taylored to make us desire…
But this couldn’t be further from the truth.
To choose what matters, is to choose what is in front of you. To choose what God is putting in front of you when you have to make a choice.
To choose what matters, is to be grateful to have something and to embrace it fully. To choose what matters, or materialises in front of you, is to choose to do something good with it, and to water it and cherish it and give it our attention and cut off from all other options and possibilities.
So when you have to ‘choose what matters’ in terms of dating and relationships. Choose the one person who chooses you, and cut off from all other options and possibilities. Choose to embelish and cherish and love that one person who steps out of the crowd and decides to take a chance with you. They have the courage to step towards you, because they see your value from miles away. To them, your value is screaming to be ceased. You are water to the thirsty, food to the hungry, and air to those who can’t breathe.
If you have the courage to take that leap of faith and embrace ‘what matters’ and elevate that which is presented to you, to the highest level you can. God will give you support and momentum. You will feel like the luckiest person on earth. You will inherit the Kingdom of God.
The only way in, is through the heart. And the only key is honest and true Love. Which is only possible, when two soulmates meet with genuin intention.
Get a job they said, it’ll be fun they said… Study a career they said, it’ll be fun they said…
I’m about to stop you right now. I was 19 when I made the decision to follow my heart and discover, no matter what it took. Granted I was following the words of our mutual friend Benjamin Franklin..
… and granted, I was severely lacking in confidence. Even if my clarity came though moments where my confidence was more like a grandiose summit I’d reach before plummeting back down into the valley of doubt and wondering.
All this to say that where you are today reflects the choices you made 10 years ago. Maybe I am rehashing someone’s quote, I have searched but could not find the author or it sadly.. But the point is that if today, you are somewhere you don’t like, it’s probably and most likely because you were following other peoples idea’s of what success means, or trying to succeed in their eyes, or that you weren’t listening to yourself. Or any other number of reasons…
Today, if you have a day job, I consider that to be a disadvantage. Not from the vantage point of trying to survive, obviously it would be foolish and stupid to say that having a job today is a bad thing if it puts a roof over your head. But that isn’t the point of this article nor of this blog and if you’re triggered, you’re missing the entire point.
In today’s world, having a day job is a disadvantage, especially when it comes to the creative pursuit. If you want to live a life of freedom, then you’ll need to act accordingly. I won’t forget that it’s important to have a balance of freedom and something important that you work for, a sense of passion, instead of something you hate that puts food on the table. Ultimately you’ll waste a lot of life doing something you didn’t want to do…
Obviously we all want money, or you’re probably in denial if it isn’t the case. But, if you trade having the security of 200euros per month from a job which pays you 1200, then you’re not going to be able to use that 200 other than to soothe the pain you create making it through long hours of hard-work for someone else. Not to mention, when you quit your job, you won’t have much of a security other than what you’ve been able to save away.
Now, trading the security and social pride of having a secure position at a firm, which you’ve studied for years to ensure… for the unknown, to discover what it is that makes you tick, what makes you happy, what you enjoy, what you despise, etc. Is obviously an expensive and risky… risk. But, knowing deep down that you have an intangible faith, a belief that you will triumph and overcome the obstacles, that you will succeed somehow, because you have some unspoken vision deep down underneath, changes your entire journey and ultimately will help you obtain it. You’ll end up with the possibility of a cushy luxury life others can only dream of.
There are many times where you will doubt everything you’re going through, and wonder what the point of it all is. You’ll wonder why you’re even here, and you’ll even question the point of living. Though, that’s where the faith comes in…
Having a job, although it gives you a firm conviction that you’ve somehow made it, is a false illusion of security. You still have to get up in the morning to jump through a few hoops so you can prove you’re not an entirely worthless asset to the company. It won’t however build you the structure and confidence to stand on your own two feet and create what you envision.
If you want to take the bridge over to “entrepreneurship” and the “creative life”, you’ll have to come to terms with the painful reality that you’ll doubt and go through painful self reflection on a recurring basis. You’ll become a seeker, you’ll have to find ease with the difficulty you go through on a daily basis. Questioning family patterns, group patterns, facing isolation, facing your own doubts and judgements, having to look at why you feel down, why you feel bad, why you feel like shit. You’ll question everything. If crossing the bridge to get to the creative life is something you consider, try considering living with your family and getting on with them first, consider going through the burning pits of hell and then having to scramble back to the “socially acceptable box” you fell from to then aim higher, consider losing everything you know and love and your notoriety and material possessions, and the list goes on…
But, if all the possible things you’ve considered are worth going through to achieve your vision, what you’re hoping for… In that case, there is hope and combined with the faith you fortify along the way, there is possibility to endure…
Another point, because tonight I’ve decided to bash jobs a tad more than usual, is that while you’re on the job your mind is focussed on solving problems you’ve given. You’re given ressources to solve the problem, which means that your mind is busy churning out solutions or searching for them like a micro factory. Your mind is then saturated for anything you want to focus on outside of work, in fact your entire energy ressources will be based upon and invested in something going the other way. Even a year after or two even, your mind will still have knowledge from focussing on those problems. I’m all for having an eclectic knowledge, in fact I pride myself upon having multiple sources and multiple allegories like in “Range”… but… if your primary focus isn’t upon building your internal vision, you’ll end up going in a direction which isn’t entirely of your choosing.
“Don’t quit. Never give up trying to build the world you can see, even if others can’t see it. Listen to your drum and your drum only. It’s the one that makes the sweetest sound.” —Simon Sinek
It takes time, and you’ll wonder what weird pipe you went down, but ultimately, you’ll discover that the freedom you inherit from stepping out of the known trodden path will lead you to higher hights than you could have ever imagined, according to the fact you believe in yourself enough to do so…
It is important to be in harmony between how we feel inside and how we are outside. This isn’t always possible, if so we must learn to love ourselves, and accept it from the inside out.
Hence why we strive for perfection. People will qualify us through how they see us first and foremost. Which is distressing for anyone who isn’t picture perfect in today’s society. How can we possibly keep up with the constant update of knowledge?trends, tips, articles, news outlets, podcast shows and live to be as great as everyone else? How can we like anything we are, when we consistently compare ourselves with “everyone else”?
We simply cannot keep up. We can’t, even if we wanted to keep up with everything that is happening on a daily basis all around the world. There are way too many people and events occurring.
It is then wise to go in the opposite direction and disregard everything and everyone. It becomes essential, in order to focus on the one most important ingredient in the recipe known to date, to neglect anything and everything but ourselves, how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, how we function etc. I’d say the COVID is a blessing, but I already lived like this pre-covid. It’s very much so a blessing for everyone else, whether they can see it or not.
The contrast of one’s objective and virtual presence, is an extension of self. It’s very easy for everyone to get caught up in the illusion that How we are seen by others, How we perform in video games, or media covered games, or any other sort of exposure through a screen. It simply isn’t Who we are, nor is it What we are. It is but an intention, a role we play well, a placement of our time and effort in projecting something for others to relate to.
Take it all away, and all you have is yourself. Have you ever tried sitting in the dark with one candle, with no screen, no book, no kindle or music or anything. Just you and the candle? I bet you’ll get a little anxious at a certain point. Truth is, at first it might seem uncomfortable, maybe even anxiety producing… But by staying with it, we get to experience ourselves, what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling that way and so on… A vital road, in taking time out for us.
In todays world we need to perfect our camera presence in order to feel confident with others. If we are critical of ourselves, we cannot feel confident entirely with others. We’ll often have illogicisms, and discrepancies we need to overcome. Looking at myself through the camera, I see my critical self come out and poke holes at what I am doing as well as how I am corresponding with myself, the camera, and others around. When speaking on camera, I discovered that I was highly self critical. The process of overcoming the camera’s perception, isn’t the camera, but how I’m seeing myself through the lens.
Have something to say, an exercise to follow. A guide-line and rules to follow in order to overcome and progress. Once we have the rules of the game, we can test, go through trial and error until we become perfect with the camera “in our own perception of perfect”. Above all, we see our flaws. They’re highlighted and in our face. They’re big and bright in contrast to what we’re normally aware of. When other people see us, they take it as a given “This dude has x, y or z… that’s just normal.” But what if, on that day the “Dude” in question had something which wasn’t normal to his everyday settings of normality?
If my writing inspires you, take a look at some of the books which have inspired my writing. GO TO LIBRARY
I define creativity as an energy, for me its a state of flow where what I envision comes out in writing, speaking, music, ideas and visions or what I can draw or paint.
I would say I am very creative. There’s a difference between creative for productive. These are two different things.
Creative is the capacity to come up with ideas, to be stimulated and curious and driven to take action upon them.
It’s like an energy switch. Like turning on a light bulb. The energy behind the switch is something you cultivate and then allocate to whatever outlet, just like electricity.
I also practice energetic transmutation, which is harnessing my sexual energy and focussing it towards my creative pursuits, or physical exercise like running or cycling.
Productive on the other hand is execution, this depends on your state of health and your discipline to apply your creativity through one outlet or another.
If my writing inspires you, take a look at some of the books which have inspired my writing. GO TO LIBRARY
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