Author: Cherokee

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Maybe it’s time to start anew

In July, I met a woman. It seemed to be one of those delusional love flings where two people meet and fall passionately and deludedly for one another, and then as quickly as they came into each others lives, then the relationship would abruptly end and both would move on as if nothing had happened. Fair enough

Since september 2022 – after publishing my book- I have been studying Coding. I’d reached a point in the road where I’d had enough of not making any money through my writing. It was time to learn a skill that could earn me some money so I could finally be financially independent, so I could finally be free.

As I learned to code, and input logic into my brain, I also observed a strange phenomenon. I’ve always been somewhat interested in the aesthetic, and I’ve always taken great pride in the spontenaity and artistic expression of my hand-writing. Though, as I learned to code, my thought process became ebby, and so did my writing flow. Rather than flowing – as my thoughts would usually be- my thought process had become clumsy and unclear.

I always took great pride in my ideation. Little bursts of brilliance, sprouting grandiosely there in my cerebrum. Like popcorn flowers, poping and blooming after a spring rain.

The lifestyle of a writer, seems to encompass his mind from wake til rest. It tends to take over his entire focus, while walking, while cycling. His ideas tend to be the high part of his day, and his research incorporated in his being. And with every breathing moment, a new idea is another fantastic insight offered off of the tree of his routine.

But although all of this, as fantastic as it may be, the impending sentiment of riding out a never ending prison sentence until one ‘makes it’ and gets to sell his million copies thus delivering a proverbial get-out-of-jail-card. It looms like a heavy cloud on one’s sense of personal freedom. Especially in an era where our social lives tend to be cut short, and we’re somewhat forced to observe while the rest of the world lives a wild and adventurous life of wonder and abundance.

I know, I know… don’t compare, as comparison is the thief of all joy. Perhaps this is true. But on the otherside, I also find that living solely in the world of ideas is etherial and lacks the physical substance a man needs to feel alive. I don’t consider myself to be capable to let go of relationships on a Buddhist level and become fully monk-like.

I don’t believe that one has to be a starving arstist, especially in a day and age where content is king. Solely, I’m not sure how to make my writing interesting for others, or how to live off it.

And so began my journey to become a full stack web developer. I find it thrilling on one hand, because the ability to use technology to automate and build is interesting. Especially for someone like me who, as a kid enjoyed the thrills of Robot wars, lego and mechano. Coding is essentially the equivalent for adults with basic math skills.

At first, and with discipline, I set out boldly to learn how to create a website, an app, an learn the languages. Then I realised that my handwriting started to change, but I gathered that if I was going to become a developer and put money on the table, some things didn’t really matter as much.

I kept reading on the side, and enjoyed posting a weekly newsletter, I found that having balance seemed to be key to keeping ideas flowing through my mind. I spent my days learning about code, my evenings reading, and my weekends writing. This went well for a while, up until my father passed away. Then, I got out of the habit of writing and reading. I simply found it hard to maintain any form of habit to be honest.

A few months later, and after having reached a point of mental stagnation in my code learning, I started to doubt my ability to think in code, or code spontaneously. And although I can put code together like a rudimentary ape puts cube shapes through a toy frame, I felt the need to take a break. And… that’s when I met the woman.

I say this because, at some point near the end of our relationship, I shared my writing and my art, and my mission to succeed as a developer. To which she replied, that my writing is a gift.

Now, this is something I find frustrating. The notion that, because I have a gift, it should take a form of dominence over everything in my life and should dictate what I need to do and what I can’t do. As if the idea of having a gift in writing should prevent me from working as a developer.

In China, there is such a thing as a ‘Zhuazhou’. The Zhuazhou is essentially a form of birthday party focussed around the kid making a choice which will determine its destiny. Among the objects the child will choose between a pen, a paintbrush, a wad of cash, and other such iconic objects which will determine the childs path. Of course, this seems wildly fatalistic. In the book ‘Range‘ by David Epstein, the author talks about a train of thought in which superstars -such as Tigerwoods and other high performers- pick a sport, adapt quickly and then spend the rest of their lives with an advantage over the rest of the world.

What I find difficult to accept with the Zhuazhou ou the early adoption path is that the notion of free will doesn’t seem to enter the picture. For me, I like to toy with the idea of ‘Divergence‘. That our destiny is not set in stone and that we should be able to choose and shift towards what we believe -as conscious adults- is best suited for us.

One side tends to lean towards the idea that ‘the universe’ or ‘God’ has a plan for us, and that we will somehow be guided towards a dream outcome, while the other seems to believe that we create our own luck and outcomes through preparation and hard-work.

So, what does this mean?

On the one hand, if there is some intangible entity which has gifted us with a talent or gift and that gift is to serve us to reach our fullest potential to serve others, shouldn’t it be revealed and clear what path we should take? And on the other, if its simply a question of preparation and hard-work, how come we reach a point of mental stagnation?

Here, I see the fight between Heart and Mind. What we like, and is flowing, and what we know is best, and is enacted through disciplined action. Perhaps there is a perfect balance.

Do what is hard when life is easy, so that when life is hard life will be easy.

I believe the answer lies somewhere between the logical and safe approach to life, getting a diploma and studying well, getting a good job we’re good at and applying our skills. And on the other, doing what enlightens us, doing what brings us energy, having the courage to live in our zone of risk. When we get out of our comfort zone, we are forced to sink or swim. There is something quite energising about the immediacy of having to thrive to survive. It is as if, we become alive with alertness. And if we don’t produce the results, then we sink, so we have to make it work.

When the individual finds his zone of genius, and becomes good at it, there will come a fork in the road where he will be forced to make a decision. To take a leap of faith or to continue to live safely while always wondering what if.

I guess it all comes down to our risk tolerance and ability to embrace failure and the possibility of not succeeding. Do we believe in ourselves enough about the attainment of the vision we are driven by and aspire to? Or do we inherently distrust the process? And if so, why do we distrust the process? What pain does ‘trusting the process’ mean for us? And how can we align ourselves with our highest interest?

For some reason, I always find myself going back to Samuel Beckett’s “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” . To grow unafraid of the learning process of falling, so much so that we gather momentum in our process, and rather than stumbling on our obstacles, we simply hop over them, sidestep them graciously and carry on unperturbed by the external rain, because within an eternal sunshine shines its warmth and our vision fuels us on like coal in a steame-engin.

Start anew.

*As for the woman? We never spoke again. She was simply there to remind me that I have a gift in my writing. Like an angel passing by, to nudge me along in the right direction. Entering my life to remove my obsolete onion skins of outdated belief and instil new ones. Like winter erases the months before and lets the land lie fallow, all states of mind have an end.

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The number one key to a great adventure…

I hate following steps, doing what I’m told and being the same as everyone else.
The only problem is that, I can see that to get certain results, one has to follow steps, and sometimes do what is being said. If you want a result that someone else is producing, you have to place yourself as their student. At the end of the day, fair enough, working on humility isn’t bad, especially when you’re not perfection yourself. I believe we can learn from everyone. What I don’t believe, is that others are 100% right about what will work for us.

I think there is a sweet-spot between Energetic expansion, Flow, and Enjoyment which seem to relate to the soul, our individual fingerprint, and on the other-hand the tried and tested methods, the experience of specialists, and following the plan.

Somewhere in between these two sides, lies our personal interpretation of what is being demanded, the space where we find the right fit. Putting our own spin on things. Personalising what has been taught to us. In order to surpass the master, the student must first be student. Only then can the student add his own twist and personalise ‘it’.

I’ve come to the realisation that, I have a deep rejection of any form of authority within me, which is in constant contrast with my personal ambitions in life. And one cannot learn or grow properly without interacting with teachers, mentors, and sources of information written by authorities on said subject.

Which is why I am where I am, in the situation I’m in. I despise following others, and being told what to do. It just doesn’t work for me. In fact it robs my energy and flow of thoughts.

I’m naturally stubborn, ever since birth I’ve always seemed to be set on doing things my way. Which has emphasised, more importantly by my deep need for learning. Because, in my circumstance, without the adequate information for my action, my hardheadedness tends to lead me to the wrong outcome. Over time, I’ve become quite astute at finding information which seems to serendipitously align with course correcting me towards specific outcomes I want. I wouldn’t go as far as manifestation, although it seems a lot like a personal thought being projected onto reality. Anyhow…

All of this to say that, life has led me to where I am today, because of how I am. Or more precisely, I’d say that I have led myself to where I am in life, because I have my heart set on something.

Imagine a prison cell, within which you have all the comforts you could want, even the possibility of going for runs, or going anywhere you wish to go. And you cannot be free of that cell, until you solve a puzzle. You can go as far as you want, but as long as the puzzle is not solved, you will always find yourself going back to that cell.

For the last 6 years, until today, that has been my life and will continue to be so, until I discover the keys to making money from my laptop. The cell is my room at my mothers house. My puzzle is figuring out how to be of value for the market, how to make money from home (because if I can do that, I can make money anywhere). I will not leave, and don’t feel I can leave, until I have the ability to make at least 10k per month to support myself. Anything else would be to accept slavery, drudgery, and live a life of slavish dependency upon a location.

My current adventure is to find out what blockages I have (most probably lacking the right information), and what solutions I can find to earn money on the internet so that I can become financially free.

Would you like to follow my adventure from 0 to hero, while I discover the highlights from my research and experimentation during my week?

If so, I’ve got good news for you….

I’m going to share these insights and discoveries I find interesting in a weekly newsletter aimed to educate you, provide value, and keep track of my journey from where I am to where I wish to go.

If this is interesting to you, hop onboard, and lets see where the journey leads us.

Wish me luck!
Cherokee

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The role of fear in addiction

My biggest weakness is my fear of being alone, add to that my feeling of inadequacy when I’m alone faced with myself and you have my personal recipe for kryptonite.

If that wasn’t enough, I’m constantly battling fears related to not being good enough, worthy enough and I hate it, because in contrast to all this, I have moments of pure brilliance and know without a doubt that with hard work I can do most anything I set my mind to.

It’s a curious duality. On the one side, I’m confronted with a certain numbness and I reach a point of paralysis, not by fear, but simply inability to think. At that point I must either find some form of stimulation of find something to comfort me. To make the numbness go away. I’m dubious, and ambiguous as to how to deal with it. I can’t find the solution and it drives me crazy.

On the other-hand, I’m constantly striving, to learn, to better myself, to achieve a better outcome by crafting better skills. And then, after a while (generally about 10 days or so), I reach numbness.

I’m thinking the solution is to do nothing. Step away from the computer, sit back and do some breathing perhaps. I’m not certain. I know I can’t go for a run in those moments, my body seems to be paralysed and my legs seem like deadweight. Maybe the solution, when I reach that point of subtle discomfort, is to do Nothing.

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Burn the boats…

We don’t solve a problem by focussing on the problem, but by focussing on solutions. Better yet, we don’t find the solution by focussing on the problem, but by focussing on new things.

This is easy, its the process of ideation.

  • We start with accumulating new information we want,
  • We then reach a point of saturation,
  • We then step away from our work of accumulation,
  • We finally reach a point of ideation (for example when we step into the shower, or go for a run…)

Thats it. Input, Process, Output.

This is something that took me a while to understand. My younger self would spend his time focussing on the problem, only to find dismayed that he had then compounded the problem and had exacerbated it. A bit like a kid picking a scab and never letting it heal.

We simply cannot find a solution to something if we are hanging on to the problem for dear life. This is what happens when people get addiction or live in fear. Horror vacui, ( ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’). Or in other words, humans will plug a hole with anything possible, they hate open loops.

For example, when someone is struggling, the solution is not to let them obssess over their problem, but to help introduce them to experience new things and focus on something else which might be more fruitful.

I awoke this morning, alarmed, uncomfortable, uneasy, because I had spend the better part of yesterday’s afternoon leaning on a coping mecanism to help me navigate the feeling of powerlessness. I had wanted to numb the numbness. And so, I awoke at 4.44, heart racing, feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by this vision I had been focussing on. And wondered if the way I was going was the only way possible. I then remembered a passage from James Allen “Environment is but your looking-glass…” which then prompted me that the contents of what I am envisionning are but the remnants of what I have been putting in my mind.

Which brought me to the understanding that ‘if we don’t take the trash out of our house, our house begins to stink‘. Or in other words, we must let go of the past, and clean out and make space for good fresh things to enter our lives. Keeping old rotting flowers isn’t romantic, and keeps us rooted in the past. We can’t hold on to a rotting piece of meat once its time is gone, if we do we’ll end up with parasites. The same is true of anything in our environment. Which is simply a projection of our internal world.

My father passed away not too long ago, and I’ve found myself imagining him watching down on me from above. This has given me more meaning in our Father above. This has brought the need to strive to build a life that I’m proud of, that I want to talk about. When we do so, we feel pride, not shame.

We build a life we’re proud of by focussing on what we want.

When I was younger and throughout my life, my father gave me gifts. And I now see that these gifts were Gods tests to see if I was ready to recieve material. I wasn’t. I failed, and faltered a few times, and ruined or lost the gifts he gave me, maybe because I felt angry at the time, or unappreciative. I was ungrateful. Ultimately I ruined those gifts. But I see the larger picture, these were trials for me to take care and appreciate what I had, not depreciate them. And only after his passing was I ready to fully appreciate what was his and take care of it. *

God, through my father, had only been preparing me for the times ahead. Shaping me for who I am today and who I am to become. To appreciate who and what I am and have. There are certain things God won’t trust you with if you’re not capable of appreciating them fully. You’d ruin them, which is why you must learn appreciation before you recieve anything.

We must burn the boats to what is holding us back, to our excuses, to our past, to what no longer serves us. We must strive to live up to everything we see and saw in our father. As man under God, our purpose is to create a life we are proud of, to lead by example, to live with courage and compassion. And to enjoy the fruits of our hard work, whatever they may be.

*This also brings me to the concept that a fathers son is a prince in preparation for the throne. Before a boy’s father passes away he cannot fully become a man, he cannot understand fully the responsibility his father carries on his shoulders for his father does it for him. And when the inevitable day comes to pass, the boy who had been in preparation up until that moment has no other path but to ascend to the role of the father. The prince becomes the King.

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To choose what matters. (A matter of heart)

We usually tend to describe what matters as something that has value to us.
What we like, what we think we need, what we want… Our needs are shaped by the world we live in, the societal standards, the social media, the unexpressed desires, and our world of consumption taylored to make us desire…

But this couldn’t be further from the truth.

To choose what matters, is to choose what is in front of you. To choose what God is putting in front of you when you have to make a choice.

To choose what matters, is to be grateful to have something and to embrace it fully. To choose what matters, or materialises in front of you, is to choose to do something good with it, and to water it and cherish it and give it our attention and cut off from all other options and possibilities.

So when you have to ‘choose what matters’ in terms of dating and relationships. Choose the one person who chooses you, and cut off from all other options and possibilities. Choose to embelish and cherish and love that one person who steps out of the crowd and decides to take a chance with you. They have the courage to step towards you, because they see your value from miles away. To them, your value is screaming to be ceased. You are water to the thirsty, food to the hungry, and air to those who can’t breathe.

If you have the courage to take that leap of faith and embrace ‘what matters’ and elevate that which is presented to you, to the highest level you can. God will give you support and momentum. You will feel like the luckiest person on earth. You will inherit the Kingdom of God.

The only way in, is through the heart. And the only key is honest and true Love. Which is only possible, when two soulmates meet with genuin intention.

All the best,

Cherokee Goldberg

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The blooming of soul

The plant cannot help but to bloom in the presence of the sun.

Its only in its presence that its petals can expand, and once expanded, they don’t retract back to their previous form. It’s a one way flight to a better destination.

The soul, the human, doesn’t expand then shrink back into its original form. In fact, we can only leave our previous state. It’s never a destination.

There is a process, from start to finish. Not a reverse process from finish to start.
Once the blooming process has come and gone, it doesn’t go back to its beginning. It’s linear, in that it evolves from a point A to a point Z. It doesn’t go in reverse from point Z to point A.

The soul only evolves forward through time. And a state, like a bulb, cannot happen twice. A blooming of that bulb cannot happen twice either. And neither does its death.

Your soul, goes through a rooting period, where the seeds strive to expand through the deep dark and cold earth. A difficult expansion period. Necessary to root the plant for what comes next. Pushing through cold soil.

Next the plant, or the flower, grows. It’s previous period of rooting has layed the base for the stem growth. And once, thick enough, that stem will provide enough nutrients for the flower to bloom in to the beautiful flower it is.

The petals open up and strive to get as much light as possible. And expand as wide as naturally capable. Where the photosynthesis uses the external elements and transforms it into energy, it reflects the light back to the world. This is the shining period.

The human being in its blooming period has that same expansion, that same shining, that same attraction as the flower does. Except, rather than sun, its attention and social ability.

But equally, the human also, after its bloom, withers and then the petals of its beautiful bloom fade and die off. Gods natural pruning. Once we shine, we decline. Think of celebrities, they have a shining period where they accumulate attention by the millions, and also capture finance and fame. Then once they’ve expanded through their shining period, they either continue and repeat the process, or they decline. Movie stars who stay out of the spotlight tend to be less vibrant.

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Mistakes early on lead to the divine path

Do you know why you need to make as many mistakes as early as possible?

Aside from the learning experience and entrepreneurial preaching’s spewed from all over the internet to make vain money,

it’s for the self knowledge, how you function, how the world functions, so you can gain a balanced harmony. But it’s also so that you can discover your limitations, so you can get lost and fall down, and in your darkest hour, still have access to who your father is, and uncover a way home through the storm.

Getting lost early on, allows you to access your fathers guidance, to access your fathers care, to see the extent of who he is.

Before that your knowledge of your father its mainly assumptions, and many times false illusions that we never get to revisit.

This is the same for any parent, assumptions are built on childhood distortions without actualization of who parents really are today.

Reactualisation is a beautiful gift one gets to cherish going forward, as are memories. Without it, we run the risk of a life lead by delusion. And to live a life in delusion denotes living an unexamined life: a lie.

Though, to tumble and fall allows us to start from our beginings, to build ourselves up, and witness a fathers greatness in consciousness.

To allow ourselves to be vulnerable and allow a parent a second chance to support us, allows us to go forward in adulthood, to let go of the anger of unmet childish expectations.

To reexperience “helplessness” allows us to reexperience our fathers traits minus unclear mixed up delusions, we get to fortify the truth of who he was.

Without the vulnerability of “Helplessness” one cannot experience the caring nature of one’s father. If we are in control, no one can exert correct control over us.

The “second coming” in the bible, is exactly this, getting to reexperience our actual father after falling and perceiving him for what he is, not our delusional beliefs, or someone we need to use, we get to experience the genuine true love of a father.

One must be willing to go through hell to reexperience this. And hell is created through the thoughts we engage in, as the thoughts we entertain create our emotional state, and our emotional state determines how we feel.

If you cannot go through your own hell, you cannot experience or appreciate or be grateful for any foundation your father has layed before you.

If you cannot witness your fathers caring assistance, while going through a hell of your own making, you will have no real reference as to who he was and if you cannot empathize with your fellow man. One has to shatter one’s false illusions before seeing the truth.

And to be cut off from men is to live in perpetual Hell, limbo.

So, to learn how much your father cares is to learn how to feel, and you cannot access the gates of paradise, which by the way, is right here on earth through the pathway of our own thoughts.

Narnia is not a physical location, its a doorway created by imagination. Equally, paradise is a place that manifests within your life, which you can only see by :

-> Fully embracing one’s father (living or dead) which gives way to fully embracing one’s mind and ability to think.

-> By embracing one’s father and mind, we then get to control our emotional life, which gives way to stability and courage, which gives way to providing safety to the women in one’s life.

And if they feel safe they can provide love and care, which colors the earth we reside on (because the way we ‘feel’ colors our mental experience).

If a woman decides to step into a mans life, she decides to – by her presence and being- color, nurture, provide warmth, etc. to a mans logical and even cold masculine structure.

So, by rediscovering one’s father and embracing him, we rediscover a balanced harmony in our lives.

Now, let me be straight with you, I’ve never read the Bible, I’m not preaching a religion, I’m making observations from my life experiences. But if I’ve never read the bible, how could the bible be false if the information I portray pertains to observations from my experience? And from this statement, I will say that, the way to access God, is through the learning of our biological father, or he who pertains to lead us to Paradise by his example as a man.

No man is perfect, but if he so chooses to live a life according to his higher self, he will lead well. Because to lead with our higher self is Gods will. Danté’s inferno explains the pitfalls to success, and denotes the challenges we face as humans as we strive for paradise. Our higher self is a place from which all those who lead reside and show example from. Just as my father did… he lead by example for me to follow in his footsteps.

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More than a decade..

I’ve been writing for more than a decade. I remember thinking I couldn’t be a writer because I lacked confidence in myself. I remember reading a quote and thinking to myself
how dull and uninteresting I am to others.

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” Benjamin Franklin

And as I had nothing to talk about, or anything specific which could interest anyone,
I took it upon myself to live as many difficult situations as possible. I simply set out to experience as much suffering as I could.

I knew, from past experiences that the pains I’d been through had liberated my vessel
for more energy to be experienced through it. As I was experiencing the benefits of an early childhood in my realisations in high-school. Though, none of what I had been through was
enough for me to qualify or validate myself as an individual. I was riding off my parents success’s, not my own. I was full of a life I had not lived. My patterns were my parents.
My confidence, set up over years of observing my father take risks, doing anything to ensure his family a better life. I had to somehow empty, and build myself anew somehow.

The somehow would come later, as a result of my pushing my limits always further.
A year after graduating from high-school, I found myself burn’t out. I was running 10km
every evening after work, while working a 40 – 80h shift. I was good at my job, although I was clueless as to where my limits were. The Hero to the warrior. Fearless but unwise in my
knowledge of self.

I wouldn’t know what would arrive, I couldn’t even imagine what life would then put on my plate. A burnout would be the tipping point to everything which would come next…

Some talk about how deep an abyss is, but never really give a clear estimation. And like anything on life if it’s unknown, there’s an intangible dimension to be apprehended.

My subconscious, was an abyss, and I was about to dive in.

How far down would I go? I knew that I’d have to go as far as I could. I knew that I had to confront everything if I wanted to somehow become what I was to become.

I was emotionless. Incapable of processing anything other than happy or sad or angry.
Emotionally, I was essentially a caveman. I’d express how I felt to my girlfriend through MP3’s. Poor girl had to guess constantly. Not to mention the turmoil and confusion between us which would inevitably lead to breakup. Essentially she was dating a good looking, well dressed monkey with an interesting vocabulary.

So, to expect me to become a master at understanding how I felt, and learning to listen to my body, to understand my boundaries, as well as the boundaries of others. To expect me to
confront my internal demons and make friends with them, not only that, but to surpass these internal states. To change my mindset, my beliefs. Fears which I couldn’t even begin to imagine surpassing. Fate. I believed, I had no choice but to live submissive to my darkest thoughts. Internally tortured over and over. Until one day, those demons had no effect upon me. I simply had no energy left for them. My invisible chains rusted over time and became weaker and weaker. My will, like a muscle, became stronger and stronger despite my tension throughout my body weakening me from such a heavy past to carry.

I wanted to live my life more than anything. Despite the amount of pain I’ve been through,
I measure the pain as a limitation I explore and then release. The pain is a mistake we’re unaware of and force our way into, blind, in the middle of the night. Mistakes are like,
roadmaps to the walls in our house, a stubbed toe on the edges of our life.

We are to reside within our comfort zone and we are to make it better by focussing on it.
For having lived within my discomfort zone for more than 10 years, I can say this:
Where we are uncomfortable, teaches us about ourselves, it shows us where we’re not to be afraid. It shows us where we’re being dramatic, it shows us were we’re in illusion. It fortifies our souls through anti-examples. But by no means are we to stay there.
We are to learn from our places of discomfort, and even we are to learn to embrace what makes us uncomfortable -to an extent- .

Funnily enough, once I’d come back from my adventure, I discovered Principles, by Ray Dalio. A brilliant book, in which I discovered the intuitive principles I had been blindly following since high-school. To put words upon what I had done was liberating, although
if I knew this book existed while I was in high-school, I don’t think I would have done anything differently.

My plan was to get to know myself as well as possible. To fortify myself. To become strong.
How does one explore one’s self? How does one get to know who they are without
mistepping, making mistakes, tripping up, screwing up, falling face in the mud?

And so I set out on my road of trials.

My abyss was emotion and subconscious. It was dramatic and messy. It was painful and scary. It was everything I didn’t want to do, it was confronting all my fears. It was showing my ugly side, being unsuccessful, failing over and over. Getting stuck in addiction, putting a guard up so high that I’d repel instead of reject anyone who’d want to come near simply to see if they’d be capable of meeting me. (I was that vulnerable and hurt..)

Pushing against unconscious psychological limitations family have had in place for generations, pushing things a little further just to see what the reactions were,
observing who reacts and how, to what.. Testing the world around.

… to be continued.

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Introverts and others



You know how we tend to want to put a label on ourselves to define who we are so we can be a part of something? It comforts us, it allows us to feel maybe as if we belong.
Well, that label can also be restrictive in fully harnessing our potential.

I’ve concluded that maybe all introverts aren’t necessarily right about being introverts.

Maybe we all have the capacity to be extroverted. Which makes us Ambiverts. I believe it relates to our beliefs about pain and pleasure. Maybe who we are isn’t set in stone; as much as that can provide comfort, it could also provide hope to know change is possible. Maybe there is an underlying fact we’re not acknowledging, maybe the definitions we’ve been given and taken as written in stone aren’t as solid as we think they are.

“When the student is ready, the master will appear. ” – Buddhist saying.

If we associate other people with pain, then being around them will be painful because our mind is set on seeing them as painful. Even if rationally we can see that they’re not actually hurting us. It’s fairly easy to grow up with the belief that others equate pain.
We then experience people as pain. We’d rather hang on to negative beliefs which don’t serve us anymore rather than take a risk to change our beliefs for more positive one’s which could bring a happier existence.

It’s also fairly easy to assume that extroverts to assume that others equate pleasure.
If we look at the difference in their nervous systems, “introverted” people are more sensitive which would lead to feeling the same hurts more intensely. Which could lead to being more responsive and so defensive in the event of a potential hurt.

Ok, fair enough, for this example lets put someone in a box and call them an introvert. It’s convenient. It helps us to define a state, maybe even an expression or a way of interacting or dealing with the world.

If extroverts have less sensitive nervous systems, then it stands to reason that, their senses are less sensitive. If they’re less sensitive, then it also stands to reason that they need to develop and grow their energy a lot more from early on, in order to meet the requirements to feel and sense the world around them, and also interact.

Think about how much volume you’ll need to say something through the base of your audio system. Now think about how easy and how low amounts of volume you need to get a message through a speaker. I’m pretty sure, you’ll hear the highs easier than the lows. It’s just clearer. Then again it depends on the quality of your hearing. Lets assume you do.

In introvert terms, high relates to sensitivity. If some children are more sensitive to the environment around them, it stands to reason that they’ll feel more shocked, more intensely, more fear, more pain… Which means that they’ll regulate themselves from early on instead of intensifying the amount of energy they have in order to get a message out like the extroverts.

One seems to be bold, where the other is refined. At least in terms of nervous system.

All this being said, in the idea that introverts were given the perfect upbringing. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that they’d gain from developing, and growing their energy so they can feel more intensely? To feel is to encompass the pain and the joy, the happiness and the fear, the anger and surprise and everything. So, I can only imagine that the creation of a fearless introvert would be far more effective than an extrovert.

I say this bearing in mind the idea that if we sooth the harsh visions of our childhoods and transform our views about the pains we hold, that maybe we could put aside the notion of introverts and extroverts. That the sensitivities which hold us back, are maybe simply linked to pains we have not yet visited, which we are unaware of, and which keep us viewing the world a specific way, through that “sensitive” lens.

Can we link our pain points to not being heard instead of relating pain to others?
Can we link our pleasure to others and to the spontaneous exchange in civil societies around us? If so, then by linking our internal beliefs to different axes, we’ll end up changing the world around us and the way we see.

Maybe we don’t need to be as sensitive, if we can feel secure? Maybe we don’t need to be blunt if we can be more confident? Maybe soothing each others dramatic points of view could create a more harmonious world around us…

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What satiates you, appreciates you


The unique thing about time is that it is irreversible and irreplaceable.


Once lost, you cannot replace it you cannot add to it. Like an ice-cube, time is constantly melting away. Our time is ephemeral. Here now, gone tomorrow. Which means that our lives are scarce, even if there are 7.8Bn of us. We must then, inject our lives with enjoyment and a sense of appreciation. We must cultivate our energy and health, our creativity and productivity. Doing so, we become better, healthier, live longer, we live better and interact better. Everything appreciates.

It is in our current perception of present circumstances that we can grow our experiences into a) meaningful, fulfilling and b) purpose driven, enjoyable and worth the time and attention we exchange for the mediums we engage in. It is how we engage our focus that defines our way of expression. Do maths, and you’ll think in maths. Read sci-fi and you’ll think in sci-fi. Study law, and you’ll speak like a lawyer. This goes on for everything you put your attention into.

A recent example I’ve observed is gaming and stock markets. Play a game, and while you’re playing the game your attention isn’t focussed on existential or productive skills but you’re focussed on skills relative to the game. When you stop playing, your mind is then stuck speaking in the language you use to process and understand the game. If you’re not thinking but simply acting and reacting, your mind then becomes very blank once you’ve stopped playing. The same goes for the stock market. If you spend a lot of time reading about stocks, you’ll speak like a trader. If you spend a lot of time in the market you’ll act and react like a trader. Though, if you use your mind for anything else, you’ll most inevitably become a tad numb or even feel empty. Especially from the view point of creativity. Even though your creativity is then focussed upon the finance area.
You are being financially creative/destructive (same process). The language is just that of finance instead of personal development or what ever area you tend to focus on.

Your ideas are simply the translation of accumulated attention on something specific.
Focus on bitcoin, you’ll likely know more about it than the average Joe. Focus on the history of artists through time, you’ll likely know a lot about Art, the tendencies and creating fine art its self.

These mediums can be either entertainment such as Netflix or Games, or they can be productive such as Reading, Podcast listening, searching for answers, training in a specific domain.

There are only two views to take into account.

What is your consumption/Input? (i.e. eating, imbibing, accumulating, digesting, putting into yourself…)? – books on Coding, Psychology, maths, economics, love, spirituality… Netflix, movies, podcasts, news websites…

Is your consumption grounded and productive? When you compound the “…” (fill in the blank) does the consumption compound up, add up, grow, build up to something positive? Can you use the build up in an a positive way? Is it benefitting you? Are you adding to your life, or subtracting from your life? If you’re subtracting, then you are in a fear based consumption or an output.

Is your consumption fear based? Is the underlying psychology intended to get you to react, engage, clic…? Are you subconsciously feeling something which is getting you to act in a specific way, which might not serve you.
I.e. you want to buy a stock at 200 and you’ve calculated and believe it will go up to 250. But the news is telling you that it will go down and that there will be a market crash. The news could be incentivised by parties against your particular stock. Which influences you through their selective wording and sense of urgency and pending apocalyptic descriptions of outcomes. And you end up selling based upon the influence of the news even if the stock its self goes up.

A Negative input can be binge watching Netflix for hours on end, endlessly wasting time. It can be playing video games for hours on end, just to pass the time. While time passes, which you cannot get back you flounder your energy, focus and time against the instantaneous pleasure of killing an enemy or making a man jump from one block to another. Though ultimately, as soon as you step away from the screen dispensing your input, the information you’ve been imbibing becomes worthless, unless you’re in the army and your video game is a simulation of how to act in real time for example..

What is your output? (i.e. creating, speaking, expressing, painting, shouting, crying, masturbation (wasted energy)/Intercourse (productive energy), Writing, Weight training, Walking, Running, swimming, singing, acting, etc… )

Positive output.
If your output is positive, it adds something of value, it makes the lives of people better, it makes people feel good, it serves a purpose, it helps.
A positive output can be building your body up to be stronger because you are weak.
So adding good food, discipline and will power will create an output for the weightlifting input.
I.e. you’re making an effort which is constructive (if done properly).
The positive output will be the result of lifting weights: a stronger body, feeling more energetic, feeling more confident…

A positive output, will be created from either a positive input or a negative input transformed into a positive output (mindset). You’re essentially compounding, information, experience, or simply insights and creating something.
I.e. A blog post, a book, a music cd, a film, a better body, a better mindset, a vision, a product, mathematical spreadsheets, a law essay… and so on.
Essentially, a positive output will add value, growth, positive evolution, serve a positive outcome, innovate, build, upon something and your life will appreciate in value rather than depreciate.


Negative output.
If you’re caught up in negative output, you’re most likely in a cycle of diminishing returns. Most likely the effort, value, intention, attention, time… you’re spending (output) or exchanging (input) towards something isn’t worth the exchange.
What you have is worth more than what you are getting. Thus your worth is devaluing based on the output you are exchanging against said input.

Let’s take a radical point of view. We all have energy. This energy is either cultivated and grown, or spent and diminished. Our energy, can be used to work out and make our lives better or workout to an extreme and wear ourselves out. We can go at our own pace and Grow our strength by regulating our input and output for efficient and effective growth. Or we can go all in and burn our bodies out then rendering ourselves physically incapable for periods of time while we recover. Is it adding to our physical strength, stamina and overall power and well-being, or subtracting from it?

This energy can be used in masturbation and wasted for false illusion of connexion and intimacy (like with youporn or whatever you use to knock your socks off…, or it can be kept carefully and grown, we can cultivate our sexual energy for what matters more like real intimate relationships. In engaging in instant pleasure, we then have less physical energy, which makes us weaker and less physically dominant, less confident, less mentally acute, and if done to an excess can weaken our bodies, health and immune system. Though, if cultivated without spending it, you can grow your health, your wellbeing, your mental acuteness, your capacity to concentrate, perform… It all grows. This is not sexual but allostasis.
You’re regulating your bodies energies, just like your financials. You either spend on instant pleasure like shopping, gaggets, technology or whatever or you save and grow your options for something better later on. The same is likely for the body. If you spend your downtime wasting your energy, when time comes to meet someone, or perform in a sport of whatever it is, you’ll be less effective than if you had saved and cultivated your energy during that time.

This is why loveless relationships, based solely on lust and desire and selfishness will have two generally similar mindsets. One will be selfish and want only money and the other will want only sex. The exchange for extremes becomes the medium of value for people with radical store-holds of a form of wealth the other party does not have. A very beautiful woman and a very rich man. One values the wealth, the other values the beauty.
A more balanced approach, less extreme, will be two individuals who have self love, some money, some looks and complete each other in a subtle way. There is still an exchange, it’s simply not as pronounced because both parties have most areas covered.

We can buy a cheap crypto stock with the potential of it growing in value, thus exchanging our Fiat(euros/dollars) against X crypto. Once that exchange is made, our euro is 0 and our X crypto is, let’s say 10. If your crypto loses in value, if you exchange it back to your fiat currency, your 10 X crypto will be worth 5€ instead of the initial 10€.
Our output has created a smaller input because it wasn’t allocated correctly to a stock witch had growth.

You’re essentially filling your mind with what you focus on. So if you spend your time watching porn with over glamorous women, your mind then becomes consumed with trivial information which doesn’t serve a productive outcome down the road.
The same goes for worries. If you spend your time worrying, you’re essentially giving attention to the weeds of your gardens mind. You’re growing them by giving your attention( sunlight) and planting more by engaging in worrying.
The same also goes for mental consumption. If you spend your time reading fear based articles, fear based youtube channels, or anything based on fear with the incentive to engage you emotionally to react. You’re basically compounding information which makes you feel bad and compounding it, growing it and then you reach a state of being you’d call “depressed” or “anxious”.

If you want to become a writer, read a lot. The reading will create your ideas. Your ideas will become fuel for you to create. Your creation will demand iterations. Your iterations will bring you to new highs and abilities from multiple cycles of trial and error with the creative capacity fuelling the activity. Stop reading, and you’ll have less fuel.
Fuel can also come from practice in experience combined with reading about the experience to make better sense of it. Practice and theory. When achieving a balance, the outcome becomes greatness and people enjoy the production of your work after the many iterations you haven’t shared with them.

To become a runner, you must live around running and engage with running in a way which is beneficiary to the practice its self. If you engage in running, and end up weightlifting, you’ll slow yourself down, become heavier. If you engage in running, you’ll create a reality around running. Stretching, your nutrition, your recovery time, your knowledge, your water intake, your mentality, your bodily awareness, your stamina and endurance, your lungs and breathing techniques.

To become a video gammer, you must then build up your mindset. Your game sense, your nervous system must be intact, your stamina and energy must be high and even nervy in order to make the best split-second reactions in order to take advantage of your current set of virtual circumstances. In order to become better, you must train your aim, your strategy, your mental capacity, your skills and tactics. You must also train your body to become strong and resilient. Your nervous system must be healthy and able. You must have a good amount of energy.

To become a trader. You must understand yourself optimally. You must look at your tendencies. Your emotional biases, your euphoric tendencies. Your positive beliefs and negative beliefs. Your mind is your tool as your judgement is your success or your downfall. Your primary amount of money is secondary. As, if you grow it wisely you will reach overall growth.


Back to growth. If you want to become the best version of yourself. You must focus on the core most important pillars which will support you becoming that.

Mentality: Your mentality will be either pessimistic or optimistic. It will impact your attention and if you’re willing to grow and create, or destroy and shrink.

Attention & Allocation: Your attention will define how well you make decisions, and your decisions impact your actions.

Your Actions will create ripple effects: Either positive or negative depending on the outcome your mentality is focussed on. Which means that, your actions will either grow your circumstances positively, thus adding to your foundation. Or your actions will subtract from your foundations. You’re essentially destroying something. Smokers try to kill a feeling by smoking. Drinkers try to feel something by drowning themselves in alcohol. And so on.

Your positive actions will have an effect in building your Energy, your Health, your Strength, Wellbeing through your Outputs and Inputs.
Or your negative actions, through your intention to self destruct somehow, will contribute to weakening, belittling, lessening, deflating the pressure of input.

One word, “regulation“.

We need to regulate ourselves, our energy. And consciously chose what we add and consume rather than do it blindly. Our choices have consequences, and even if we cannot see the direct effects right now, the results will come out at some point and we will regret not thinking about the direction we desired in the first place.



In order to fully appreciate, be that our wellbeing, health, our muscles, or our financial net-worth. It’s important to understand why we’re taking action in the first place.

Everyone is running after money. Which means, those who control money, control people. If you’re in control of your money, you’re not controlled by it.

The same goes for your energy, your physical ability. If you are defined by your circumstances, you have no power over them. Which means that you’re a product of your environment, instead of the environment around you a product of your vision.

We are impressed or impress upon others. This is a decision. Are we here simply to witness and flow through life or are we here to make a lasting impression, bettering the fate of those around us? Are we here to uplift and inspire? Or are we here simply for the ride?

So, it stands to reason that in order to appreciate, we must:

  1. Recognize the full worth of (something/someone).
  2. Understand (a situation) fully; grasp the full implications of.

If you are to Recognize or Understand, you must Search or Research to identify or acknowledge what you’re seeking to appreciate.

  1. Identify (someone or something) from having encountered them before; to know again.
  2. Acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of.

Which comes back to mentality and attention before action. We allocate our attention and focus to what we enjoy or where our pain point is. If we enjoy and are satiated by what we are imbibing we want more. If we want more, we grow in that area.

In order to appreciate, we must lose or be without. As we cannot fully appreciate something if we don’t know its worth and in order to understand the worth of something, we must lose it.
I.e. a) If you lose your health and have to build it back up, you then appreciate your health once you regain it. b) If you lose a loved one, you recognize their value once you’re exposed to the loss of their entity. c) If you’ve always had money, you cannot see it’s worth until you have none. It is when you understand it’s worth that you can appreciate what you have.
d) You cannot get more, if you don’t appreciate what you have already.

What satiates you will drive you to appreciate yourself and where you are putting your information/energy.

If you’re always focussing on how much you don’t have, what others have. If you’re always focussing your attention on how bad you are, or how little you’re worth. You only grow the number of examples you have in your head to define yourself with.

In defining yourself in this particular way, or defining your environment in a particular way, you’re depreciating the value of either yourself, your money, your environment or those around you. If you depreciate those around you, you don’t appreciate them. If you depreciate them, you’re belittling them, reducing them, essentially killing yourself and those around.

If you love the people around you, appreciate them. Be positive about them. Admire them. Compliment them. Help them. Grow them. Invest in them.

If you don’t love the people around you, withdraw yourself from the equation. Otherwise you’re essentially losing your own value and energy in the process of devaluing them. (It’s about the energy and focus, not about what they are doing.)


Appreciation is about love and Love is about living life well.