I think, maybe the greatest tragedy, is that we don’t compliment the people we love nearly enough. And yet, we compliment people we admire, strangers,. Because they’re new and we pay attention to new. We pay attention to celebrities and megastars, because we aspire to them.
But the people who’ve always been there, who are loving, who have supported us every step of the way, or at least most. They get the most ungrateful return for birthing us into the world. They create us, yet they get the most stick. The people who stand by us and are there every step of the way, they get ignored, or worse we disguard them, because they’re there, simply in the background perhaps. Because these loving, caring, patient people, are in high supply, we value them less.
Human beings are wierd, they value what is rare, because some thousands of years ago what was rare was valuable for survival. Food wasn’t available in the fridge so they had to hunt and risk their lives faced with wierd looking scaly predators with big teeth. Then Gold became an important tool to measure payment to who had something of value instead of seashells.
And then somewhere along the way, having a crown watch or a red car became a signaling good to express that we have a surplus of material and we can afford to splurge on luxury, or unessential to survival. When we have everything covered financially, we can focus on the superficial aspect of things. Which is why, women tend to show superficiality as a marker of wealth (a lot of the time). Its a signaling state of their inherant value, or that society places on beauty. So they invest in signaling brands, signaling activities, signaling surgeries to show the level of worth they believe they are. And they become ‘rare’ or at least they act like they do, because they are in high demand due to the desirability factor.
But, back to what matters. The low demand, high supply in those we love.
It’s not because we don’t need someone, or that we don’t depend on, or require someone to do something for us, that they have no value. It’s simply that we can’t see that value because they’re not proposing the value proposition that we’re searching for.
So, when we have a parent who doesn’t necessarily meet our requirements for what is interesting or we meet a young woman who’s pretty, exciting and engaging and on our level; the natural response is to disguard them, or to ignore what they’re saying, or to be disrespectful in some way, or to belittle whatever value they bring to the table. This couldn’t be further from the right way to be.
The thing I like about Italian families, or Chinese families, is that multiple generations live together, supporting each other within the household. Obviously, in our western world, everything is disconnected, we become bachelors, live in houses on our own, and attract women who use all forms of signalling to show they have worth.
In my own way, I propose that everyday, instead of finding something that someone can be of value to us for, we find ways we can be of value to them. Paying back, being of service and being uplifting and supporting to those around us. Even if they’re not ‘seemingly’ making our lives better.
The thing is, I realized when my dad passed, that it’s not because someone is present that they don’t have value. And its not because someone’s not proposing something we value, they that don’t have value. What I like is subjective proportional to my standards and expectances of life. What someone else has to propose is proportionel to them. In every expression there is contribution, and everyone has a different expression to contribute. Which we’re all, too often, busy trying to disguard because it doesn’t fit the shopping list we want and aspire to.
Maybe, take a moment to value that we’re not all the same. That we all have different abilities, and we’re not all Leonardo Davinci great in everything we do. But we are great, in the intentions we put forth.
In my fathers last days, I realized that its not the perfect expression I wanted from him so much that I miss. It’s his presence, its his warmth, its his reaching out, its the exchange. It’s the little messages to see if I’m okay, and to checkup on how I’m doing. It’s the intentions to do the little things which make us ‘feel’ supported, which make us ‘feel’ valued. Even if the way its done is not perfect.
And these little intentions, even if they’re not expressed in the perfect way we want, make us feel the perfect way we want to feel.
The way our loved ones make us feel, is deeper than our mental standards, anything that someones wordly expression can bring forth.
In order of importance, our words and the way they’re used, count for 7% . While our tonality counts for 38% and our phyiscal expression counts for 55%. The words we use are by consequence of little value. It’s important to use the right words, but how those words are said, and with what intent matters much much more.
So, its worth noting the value of a relatives intangible and sometimes invisible intentions which influence the way they make you feel. The magic is under the surface, in what they bring out of you, and how special they make you feel.
Don’t lose any more time bikering about the details. Embrace the time you have left, focussing on whats important. The intention.
All the best,
Cherokee Goldberg
Cherokee.blog 