DEBUNKING GENDER IDENTITY (Part1)

At this point, I don’t believe in gender identity other than the two biological genders that we are naturally appointed at birth, to have one sex or the other. Transgender, gay, bi, red blue and unicorns are constructs of the mind to fit how we feel. Why and how can I say this?

I went through transition, I experienced being a transgender for around 3 years, and my conclusion of the experience is that the need to identify as the opposite sex or reject our current sex has more to do with our internal masculine and feminine stereotypes based upon childhood memories of who was stronger and who was weaker. Obviously we want to feel stronger, so if one of the parents didn’t leave any space for the other, or worse decided to throw them out of the household, a child witnessing this could integrate it into their perception of masculine and feminine balance. And later on projecting this imbalanced “perspective” onto the world.

In addition, I concluded that my polarities were confused or off and it was up to me to consolidate, fortify, and build myself up from the foundations in order to confirm that Yes, I am a man. And that my prolonged exposed/exposure to women and a strong female archetype at home, enabled me to doubt my masculine archetype. Having a stronger mother and a “seemingly” weaker father, made space for emptiness, discomfort, and the feeling that I needed to weaken myself to fulfil my “masculine identity”. Although this isn’t true, I believed it was. Though, it also goes further than just exposed archetype polarities.

It also underlines pain and pleasure polarities. The extent of underlined felt pain associated to a perceived “weak” masculine archetype was an open door to sexual addiction. So if women equal pleasure and men equal pain. Then withholding desire (which can be intense for us men, if unexperienced or misguided), would equal pain. Being a man therefore equals having to continually reinvest our energy in order to feel stable, full and confident. Although, if women are consistently paining and pressurising and being belligerent around us, we can experience this as if something were wrong with us, rather than with the people who’re committing the act of “ramming” into us emotionally or physically. If there’s too much pressure and pain associated to simply existing as a man, why bother trying right?

I also concluded that anger and powerlessness played a large role in my decision to seek out professional dick-snipper-off’erers. Having anger and wanting to expose the parent who pains/pained us, and feeling powerless in the face of this individual who most likely is projecting all of their pain unto us can likely also tilt the scales in favour of wanting to incorporate / become the “stronger” archetype.

I observed that a lot of people chose a gender because they believed that life would be easier under the umbrella of that gender. Except this is nothing but fantasy. The real problem people are facing is based in anchoring and attributing pain to their gender identity. Rather than depressurising and healing their associated pain. If you could make the pain associated to your identity stop, would you still change your gender? Probably not.
The main reason people do anything is that they’re trying to get away from pain and achieve a fair enough degree of pleasure or at the very least harmony/peace.

Which brings me to pain. When we go through pain, sometimes we feel we need to plug a hole with meaning. We don’t have the answer to why we’re experiencing pain and so we seek to explain it one way or the other. The brain is easily fooled by one alluring answer so long as it covers our doubts and makes us feel “understood”. It doesn’t have to be true or even reality based, we just have to feel understood. And so we seek external answers to why we’re experiencing pain. As a man, sexual pressure can seem uncomfortable, especially if I have no allocated activities to channel that “energy” into. Not having a specific routine or place to invest our energy into can lead us to feel we need to dump or get rid of what is driving us forward. Although this is a problem, especially if it becomes an addiction.

I chose to self-destruct because of a negative self image I had. Changing my polarities so that I could get rid of anything which could empower my identity. As the inner image I had within had been so heavily anchored to negative emotion, I felt I couldn’t alleviate the vision I had of myself. I had no desire to empower the image I had within and as it was recurring and felt I had no power over my thoughts or feelings, I simply opted to disempower myself and make myself unconvincing, uncharming, and so on. My plan was to disempower myself physically so that I couldn’t hurt anyone, or influence anyone. I didn’t want the responsibility of leading anyone into a 3rd world war or being responsible for anyone’s death. It simply wasn’t my responsibility or interest to hurt others. So, I decided to hurt myself so I wouldn’t achieve the dreadful feat.

In addition, I rejected all forms of responsibility. I decided to become irresponsible and untrustworthy. If no one could trust me, no one would follow me or be influenced by anything I said. And so, I could live with a free conscience that my existence wouldn’t lead anyone to pain.

So, I decided to turn my sexual addiction into an obsession with the goal of disempowering and emaciating myself so that I wouldn’t create pain for others. In addition to this I decided to embrace the role of the ostracised outcast no one would want to associate with: The Transgender.

As a heterosexual male, even the idea of this made me recoil. But I also associated fear to it. I knew that I had to confront my fears in order to grow, so I engaged and then embraced the process.

Gender identity is an identity problem, not a desire problem don’t butcher yourself. Our body is the equivalent to Christmas tree lights turning on and of and those lights are generally connected to a circuit board which regulates the speed, intensity and power of the lights. Our brain contains programs (beliefs, ideas, opinions…) which regulates how we feel and what makes us tick. At this point in time, I can clearly say that nothing you believe so truly is written in stone, and I’ll give an example of this.

My story:

After a burnout at work in 2012, I reached crossed roads on my path. I felt I had no option other than to suffer one way or another. I THOUGHT I would either be corrupted, exposed than ostracized as a man, or I’d be rejected, silenced, reduced and even beaten as a (trans) woman. My inner conviction, the one I had decided was fatalistic as a result of a lifetime of pain and difficulty of experiences, was that I had incarnated in this life time to suffer and go through pain for a past life of fuck-ups. I had concluded that because I had been through so much pain and there was no point of arrival or any escape from the accumulation of all this pain, that I was here to REPAY KARMA. Needless to divulge what type of inner identity I thought I was, I felt BAD, I felt GUILTY, I felt I needed to suffer in order to purge myself of my “Sins”. No matter how much I thought about the problem, I couldn’t find a solution. I could either cower away from my emotions and live in denial thus hurting others in the process or I could face my fears one by one and alleviate my emotional pressure cooker by
exposing myself, by going through discomfort, by choosing pain rather than numbing it.
I chose the vivid pain. I set off to become a transgender woman. Oblivious to the fact that my inner sense of identity had been impacted by a toxic situation I felt imprisoned by.
I set off at full speed, to get away from the pain of my inner tainted identity. If only I could become someone else, something else, no one would see how BAD I FELT and therefore how BAD I thought I was. Of course, this is obvious to anyone who is sane minded and socially integrated: Anyone who is so socially awkward cannot feel good!

I carried this inner image with me for a long while, trying to forget about it. At first I couldn’t even look my own mother in the eyes, let alone anyone else. I became anti-social, I became distrustful of others, I isolated from the world and felt uncomfortable among crowds. I developed agoraphobia and lived in the shadows for about 5 years. All the while depleting myself to the point of null via a sexual addiction which would empower my sense of alter-identity to counter-balance how bad I felt as a man. If course, I would be judged by people for being weird, although I couldn’t care less. I even became oblivious to others so much so as the discomfort of being me was associated to twenty or so years of repressed emotions.
You see, I grew up with two parents who had little knowledge of emotional expression and even less of accepting how they felt. My mother would run away from any sort of conflict yet project all of her worries and judgements on us. And my father would confront or erupt and get angry for no apparent reason. Somewhere along all of this, I knew that “being a woman” would allow me to learn how to learn emotions. As a man, growing up in our society, I was praised for my execution skills, for dominating, for being a bully even. But when time came for me to feel, I was in a jungle dark at night with poisonous insects and snakes blind and naked. Repression was all I knew, repression was all I could do. Until,
I decided to go through transition. Suddenly I had an excuse to be weird, to be emotional and dramatic. Suddenly I could be loud and crazy and I had the opportunity to vent like a socially-maladjusted person.

Though, these ways, the ways I cannot engage in as a man (not if I am to maintain a social capacity of any kind), allowed me to depressurise my emotions and look at what needed to be healed. Engaging in such counterproductive ways, allowed me to make social mistakes, while all the while learning my emotions.

Although, now that I have been through all of these experiences, social mistakes and I’ve allowed myself to vent all the craziness that has gone through my mind or happened to me. I find myself looking back in retrospect and I’m now able to advance as a sane man. Having been through the depressurisation of my emotions, I was then able to revisit my identity and comprehend the biased beliefs I had created back in 2012. Looking back, I clearly don’t think we need to suffer, we just need to heal. And with enough experience now to speak confidently on the matter, I believe that we don’t have to become anything else but what we are, even if that is sometimes a lot to ask. Which brings me to identity. We cannot build an identity based on how we currently feel, nor on how pleasurable we believe the outcome of “arriving” or “becoming” will be. We have an identity which matures from birth and the data we hold in our mind sometimes needs to be revisited so that we can live with mature identities. Too often we hear that we can start over and become someone new. We can’t become anyone else but the accumulation of what we are. Of course we can learn new skills, we can evolve, we can see things differently, but I am still the same person I was at the age of 10, 20 and 30, only now I see things with a clearer perspective.

You see, no matter how real, how concrete, how convinced we are that becoming something in contrast to how we feel may seem RIGHT NOW. No matter how sure we are that Becoming something other than what we are naturally and neutrally (what we are when we’re in our most neutral state of being), is only addition or surplus. The problem is that we are trying to become something in contrast to something else. There is a duality.
No matter how convinced I was, I believe me I was beyond convinced that I needed to do this, I was WRONG. So be careful, the paradise you believe you seek, could turn into a hell you can’t escape. Don’t be blindsided by the glamour and the media coverage and the pride months. You could end up getting hurt, not necessarily by someone, but by going through the process.

We’re trying to escape one thing to become another. While we’re doing this, we’re completely unaware that what we should be trying to do is come to terms with being neither one or the other. To try and let go of both dualities. The negative one and the positive one. And we can only do this from the vantage point of letting go of the negative polarity. It’s when we embrace the fear, the pain, the hurt, the thing we’re striving to get away from that we can finally be free from it. Though most often, the feeling is so visceral that we feel like we’re trying to touch the sun. From the vantage point of having come out the other side, I’ll say that the growth I endured from being between these two polarities and enduring multiple amounts of pain has allowed me to confront the initial difficulty upon which all of this is founded in the first place. We grow strong through whatever we go through, in order to confront the difficulty we once felt we were unable to confront.

Like an Evil parent, the hero of the story goes off, learns how to slay dragons and bad guys and eventually comes back to confront the Evil parent. And when the time comes, the hero has become so strong that the Evil parent is no longer Evil but simply a flawed human being who needs help and needs to be loved like everyone else. The growth helps the hero to see the persecutor for what it really is, someone who has been hurt and needs our help to be forgiven, healed and then cherished.

When it comes to creating a new identity, I believe that we can better our expression of who we are, we can refine our skills so we can better portray who we are, but we cannot change who we are. We are who we are and no matter how much makeup, how many hormones, how many surgeries we have, we cannot change something which is intangible. We can only change our perception of it, and that starts in the mind, in our understanding, in our acceptance of who we are in our ugly vulnerable realities. When we can accept what we have, we can be grateful. When we can be grateful we can start to make things better.

After having been through transition, rebuilding from scratch, and dealing with my mental problems, I’m happy to say I’m a man who is grateful for his circumstances, for what he has, rather than rejecting it. And, if in any way my story resonates with yours, maybe it’s worth investigating your feelings and your traumas before engaging in an irreversible process.

When you can come back to yourself, good things start to happen.


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