It was utterly shocking…
You know when we reach limitations in life? We simply cannot go faster, get better and so on?
I was at my peak performance in high school and this wasn’t to do with my physical capacity,
it had all to do with my mindset. I used to run long distances, but I also use to sprint the fuck out of people. Ever since I was a young child of 7 months going further than possible was always a thing.
Climbing up walls while the other toddlers were rolling around. Running off as far and fast as I could.
Often while running, I’d contemplate my limitations. I was the fastest runner on the soccer team, the fastest runner on the running team, and the fastest runner I have ever encountered. My only enemy was me. I’d run for hours, at a speed. It was pure bliss. Until one day, my knee started to cause me pain.
No matter how much I stretched, rested, slept. I didn’t matter, my knee wanted nothing to do with any of it.
My entire life my identity had been intertwined with running, and suddenly it was stripped away. Disgusted with life, after all the hard work I had put in, after all the hours, a rigorous life striving to be better than any mere mortal man I’d encounter. I was defeated, not even by my own mindset, but by a choice.
I chose to give up. I felt empty. I needed motivation. I had discipline, I had a devilish drive, but I had nothing I wanted. I felt undefeated, unchallenged. My friends had moved off to work in different towns and countries and I was left alone with my environment. All I had was me and myself and the occasional runner who I’d outrun. It became boring.
Although my competition had vanished, I had to face my inner monsters. More persistent than anyone I’d ever encountered, I gave up dealing with reality for a while just to tussle with my own demons. And then,
I obliterated them too.
I live in this tiny village in the south of France. And I wanted money. Everyone always told me to get a job.
But as soon as I took a position in a company, after 6 months, I’d feel the repetition and a lack of challenge. So, I’d quit and move on. Then one day, I decided to move back home. I hated home. There is no one there, and there is no work for miles. The only living beings here are sheep and the occasional inhabitants plodding about. Growing up here has been a lonely predicament. But, I chose to go back,
despite not being able to run, despite having overcome my demons. Simply because there was no work.
I set myself a challenge. I would go back home and I could only leave if I succeeded to make money from where I am. Which meant that, with little to no ressources, I’d have to figure out how to make money via my own skillset. I had none. Or at least I had none that I could rely on or felt confident to call a skill.
Confronted with the comparison of everyday social media success’s, and the inevitability that my financial situation, would run out; I confronted myself with the impossibility of figuring it out own my own.
Sometimes in dire moments I have contacted a coach. Although that was more to do with letting go of past turmoil than it was anything else.
Now, I’ve been working day and night to overcome a list of afflictions as long as my arm and I believe that I have overcome them in addition to having let go of a condition which was truly holding me back. I’ve also achieved something which will help me to gain a more positive perspective later on in the game: Contrast.
While I had always been a runner, I had always been beanpole thin. I knew that if I could be fat or out of shape I could easily work my way back to being in tip top condition and use the contrast to first and foremost observe how people reacted to me being out of shape (in addition to observing how people would react if I did things which were completely contradictory to who I am), and then I’d also have the contrast of showing the out of shape pictures afterward. So when I did succeed, I’d have my past discipline to rely on and I’d simply get back to work when it was time.
Now, I’m currently in a place where I have experienced enough pain, enough suffering, enough difficulty, and enough body dysmorphia to claim everything again and create a dramatic comeback.
It’s that time. During the next year, I am going to undergo a life-changing transformation.
So, today, and after a long time of planning this, I’d like to say,: I’m back!
*Btw: Great attempt at a hook ey? haha