More more more!? maybe it’s time to stop worrying about having and start living.

Indestructible


This may seem contradictory to where the rest of the world is heading right now.
Though, for the last months I’ve been all consumed by stock markets.
Hoping to catch a profit here, or a bitcoin break. Wanting more, because apparently I don’t have enough? I have plenty, I have too much. I have way too much.

Yet the notion of comparison to others. Not dressing the right way, not having the latest car, the latest phone, etc. Maybe these things would make me “more” in the eyes of others.

Only by contrast to all this, there is a time in my life where I remember being simply great at what I was doing. I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t have enough. In fact, I wasn’t concerned at all.
Money has never been an issue.

It’s only in recent years while stepping into society and “adult life” that money started to become a problem. I wouldn’t get the girl because I didn’t have all the things money could offer. I couldn’t pull up in a cool car and drive her to a restaurant. I thought I needed to be the provider of everything in the galaxy!

Though, it wasn’t the money which was the problem. It was my self esteem.
I believed I needed more, because I wasn’t confident enough to hold my ground and stand up for what I wanted and believed in. I was a wimp with a big mouth and a big ego.

For the last so many years, I set out to “get all the money”. Only then I’d have my own place, my own car, and all potential problems could be solved by “having”. WRONG!

Life is more finite and subtle.

There are nuances and subtleties which are offered to you, naturally. Life is a given, and it’s free-flowing and abundant, if you have the right mindset.

There is a mindset, a way of perceiving things, an acceptance, a trust… in the process, in life its self. By accepting that there is a process, and that the best outcomes ultimately works it’s self out for you, then all you have to do is float with the river instead of trying to battle upstream against the current. Some fish are made for that, some are not. I can accept that I’m not a salmon.

Now, not to sound like a broken record, because I already wrote an article on not participating in the stock market. Though, there was something inherently pulling me to take action, a deep FOMO. Which, all things considered, made me feel as if I didn’t have enough. As if I was lacking somehow, that I didn’t have enough.

If there is anything I don’t have enough of, it’s most likely appreciation of myself and how far I’ve come. It’s that comparison to where everyone else is, aesthetically and materially. It’s that looking elsewhere that keeps me from appreciating what I have here and now. And mostly is the reason for my inability to act upon my circumstances.

Wanting what others have is the biggest insult you can tell yourself. You’ll end up hating yourself for not being good enough, not deserving enough, not something enough…
And if you have the same amount of pressure to achieve and make things happen as I do, you’ll likely beat yourself up more than anything.

There is a notion that, the more you have the more you have to lose. For this exact reason, having little sets you free. You’re free from worry that something can happen to your possessions or your money or what ever store of value you’re stashing.

This is a very present mindset currently, especially in America. The dollar is “falling”, the “Euro” is going to end, fiat is going to implode… and so on.

Taking a step back, in all relativity, I don’t have too much to lose. I have some possessions, which make my current life comfortable. Though, if tomorrow morning everything went to shit, putting everything I need in a few suitcases and a backpack and I’d be on my way. It’s important not to get too caught up with the idea that we constantly need more because we’re caught up in other peoples fear based narratives of low self-esteem and insta-comparison. We get pulled into the news, the fear mongering videos, the apocalyptic scenarios, the worst case scenario visions. We go down a rabbit hole and end up needing to consume more and more, because we need to gather more information. God forbid we miss out on something which could save us from falling straight down to hell..

Something to acknowledge before doing so. If there is hell within you, it’s already around you. If you’ve been down to the bottom pits of your hell and you’ve debunked your difficulties and fears and you’ve struggled and come out stronger after doing so, nothing should really scare you. There is nothing you haven’t already faced within that can scare you on the outside. Talking from my experience, I’ve pretty much done most all the things which scared me and decidedly confronted them head-on with the intent of getting them out of the way for a better life.

Being exposed, ridiculed, out of shape, ugly, smelling bad, looking bad, dressing poorly, having no money, throwing the keys to my apartment away and being homeless, losing my girlfriend to a “good friend”, confronting death twice, psychiatry thrice, psychiatrists and being drugged out of sanity, being rejected, being in a twisted plot of events, losing my mind, being mugged, losing for 10k of personal possessions, coming out as transgender and then doing it to my family and friends, which brought me to learning empathy, learning to express emotions, developing my feminine side and accepting it, losing friends and foes, health issues due to hormones, dropping the transition because it was based upon an acute delirium and mental sickness, being isolated, being ostracised, losing my confidence, depression, anxiety, wanting to kill myself repeatedly, losing my health, going to prison for stupidity, having my mugshots done for not paying a 5 star hotel room, having my finger prints taken, being nude in public and walking through a fountain, believing wholeheartedly that I was the reincarnation of a dictator and having to then go through all the pain that he had created in his life time as karma…

Having to build myself back up as a man, rediscovering my confidence, my voice, standing my own ground, building my mind and self esteem, and so on…

There is literally nothing which should really get to me, especially now that I’ve come out from all this. I have triumphed from the obstacles I set up for myself to become the man I wanted to become, one who can listen, who can stand his own ground, who has empathy, who is smart and foreseeing, who cares deeply, who is worthy.

So, if there is an economic crash. Bring it on. I already live in poverty. If I miss out on stocks going up or down, so be it. But I will not, by any means spend my time glued to my phone screen looking at candle sticks going up and down hoping for a potential 20% gain or loss every 5 seconds. That’s not a life to live.

Looking at the life I’ve lead so far, I’ve been on my own adventure, pushing and testing my own limits. Observing how I react, why I react. Watching my reactions. Scrutinising my actions. I have been over myself with a microscope, I’ve looked for my flaws,
I’ve accepted them, I’ve embraced who I am. Now fucking bring it on, I’ve passed the obstacles swimmingly.

The main thing I observe, is that I’ve been too consumed with trying to live up to everyone else’s standards. What success is to them, is not what it is to me.
I am profoundly alpha, in that I lead my path my own way and don’t give a damn about what others think. I lead with compassion and strive to do the best for everyone around. I believe in myself and I know I can overcome anything, because I have overcome every difficult challenge I’ve put upon my path. I’ve developed a healthy faith and a trust in the process of life. I am grateful for the experiences which I’ve experienced.

As I close this chapter of self doubt in my life, I enter a social media free, fomo free chapter where I thrive.

Money isn’t and never will be a concern. A minimalistic and driven purposeful life
I enjoy living, because every day is a new adventure of discovery either within the illimited confines of my mind, or the brilliant and interesting people I meet along my journey.

There’s a moment in life, where, when we succeed, we no longer experience struggling. We enter a moment of ease and fluidity, lacking the fear we held while surviving. This is where we stop learning and become complacent.

Funnily enough, getting outside of my comfort zone was never a problem for me.
My difficulty resided in being in a comfort zone. In confronting those inner demons,
it’s the home life which became accessible to me. In doing so, I altered my perception of the external world around me and the way I experience it. By accessing internal comfort at home and accepting it. Stepping outside changed, I stepped outside holding within me a deep sense of security and comfort. Between myself and I.

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