Energy, like fuel in a car, can be considered one of the most important assets we have in our day to day lives. Directly intertwined with health and wellbeing,
having energy enables us to overcome, stand up against, strive for or simply enjoy life.
Though, sometimes, we find ourselves entirely devoid of energy for no apparent reason. It’s as if something is disabling us. We can’t find the strength to go forward, or even focus on a single line of a book. We then stare at the ceiling or our instagram feed and we go into zombie mode. Going for a walk doesn’t change anything, in fact we feel more depleted after the walk than we did before going.
It’s as if there is something wrong with us. Are we sick? Did we concoct lime disease? What the hell is going on?!
In 2013 I had a severe burnout. I was working 40 to 50 hours per week at a Job I enjoyed. Surrounded by luxuries and luxurious people, I felt proud and was doing well. I thought.
Then came the burnout.
My entire internal view had shifted. Where I felt joy and pride in going to work. I felt tired and even dirty, despite many showers, per day… I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to make the same sales I had only a month prior. My recovery rate felt much slower. My dialogue had become a bit wonky and I had more trouble than normal speaking with my habitual ease of flow and eloquence. I felt tired. I felt depleted. In fact, nothing I could do helped. I tried coffee, sugar, reading interesting content, running more ( I was already running about 10k per day), eating more spinach and greens and testing my diet. Nothing seemed to help.
Because simply put nothing I was doing was enough to change my energy.
What was going on, was a lot deeper than I could comprehend at that moment in time. It was as if my entire reality had shifted and I was experiencing some “Karmic” backlash from the universe. Though, I hadn’t done anything wrong.
I was engulfed into a sea of emotion I had no idea about, and which prior I wasn’t exposed to. I was more calculated before.
Even if it felt Karmic, it was psychological. My brain was functioning well, I was healthy, nothing could explain what I was going through. Except this.
I was experiencing deep emotions from childhood. And my entire reality was being questioned by the actualisation I was now exposed to, living out in the world.
Psychological inheritance was being unanchored from the bottom of my psyche, and let loose, with it years of pent up emotion which had been bottled up prior to this experience.
Powerless, I found refuge at home with my parents. Unable to explain the intensity and difficulty I was experiencing. I had to find allegories to give a similitude of example to what I was going through. I simply couldn’t find anything I could relate to in the real world. Because, I had never really put words on, let alone accepted my childhood.
With all these emotional occurrences, my energy was concentrated in one place. Stuck in dealing with the subconscious problems arising. Shifting my foundations from the ground up. Have you ever tried moving a mountain? Well my subconscious was moving the mountain I am. My entire view point, life, experience.
I was forced to live with a disabling perception of life for at least 5 years, until I found the capacity to delve deep into my past with a coach and find the schematic mishap which had happened while I was working.
Something had happened in childhood, the emotion I was experiencing under the surface was way too powerful for me to put words on it, let alone feel it and understand it. My natural inclination had been to find an easier path.
With the easier path, I was forced to see life in a way I had never experienced prior.
I had to adapt. And in the adaptation, I found my way back to my initial path.
Though in terms of energy. The concept that we’re lugging around the past, in very unconscious ways isn’t without effort. We’re carrying the mountains we’re supposed to climb so to speak.
Another example, my sister came back this Christmas, and although we love each other very deeply, we also have our differences in opinion and perception. Though, not to point a finger because this is nothing to do with her, the emotions I felt in childhood, due to feeling unhappy or some sort of childhood trauma, then became a present struggle in her being here now. I was faced, again with her presence, which I found destabilizing, and the emotion which had been bottled up from childhood had been disabling for me all these years. She isn’t the person creating an energy blockage for me, nor is she an energy vampire. The blocked emotion is within me and is simply coming to the surface to been let go of and accepted as such. In the moment of all of this happening, I felt very low, as if I had hardly any energy. This is most likely why everyone feels tired at Christmas. Coming to terms with family dynamics and the deep work happening under the surface…
21/01/21 Edit: I’ve found that when I lack energy, its generally because of one of few things. Either I’m overpressurising myself to live up to an ideal I’m striving for which most likely is to do with someone else’s standard. Or, I have a fear I’m unconscious of which is dictating the way I perceive things.