8 essential questions to decipher if you’re in a Toxic relationship.

There is no bigger compliment than someone who choses you. None. It feels great,
it leaves us feeling light headed and happy. Life couldn’t be better. We are the one for someone!

On the other hand, rejection, is one of the most painful blows you can take without it being physical. You can know your value, you can see the silver lining, the benefits from the rejection…

But if you really care, there’s something painful, it becomes about the letting go of outdated ways.

Though, recently something I didn’t want to see popped up out of the blue. A voice message.
I wasn’t ready for it… I wasn’t prepared at all.

An old relationship which had all the signs of Toxicity, appeared as if some sort of magic trick. “POOF”! I hadn’t yet put it to bed correctly for some reason. I wasn’t able yet.

I’m an optimistic person, I have hopes for brighter days and have the understanding that everyone has flaws and difficulties to get over. Though, I am blindsided by people who prey on these traits. They immerse themselves through the cracks and leech on to my need to see the brightside in them. It gives them a breath of fresh air, for once they’re not defined as the “BAD one’s”. They get to experience the sunshine of my none-judgemental gaze…

Looking back though, I decided to enumerate all the traits of this person, all the things I found weird, or simply a little off.. and little did I know my list quickly became a page… This is when I started to worry. Was I putting this person on a pedestal? Was I enabling their sick behaviour?
Worse yet, was I feeding their deluded sense of grandiosity?

I was… Sadly. Though, let’s get back to my reaction of Not being ready.
I listen in, wondering who left the message and I hear her voice.
My body, in instant recognition recoils and tenses up…

Like an earthquake, my walls started to shake. Like every time an earthquake Quakes,
I stopped everything and hid under the table, emotionally.

In situations where people don’t tend to behave in a loving respectful way occur, I often go into a sort of paralysis. It becomes an energy leak, a pain point. A poison of my well-being. I become intently focussed on them like a spaceship sucked into a blackhole. No matter how much throttle I add, I have no traction to get away.

My heart starts beating faster, my mind can’t concentrate well at all, and as if I was poisoned all I can do is lie down and breath with an elevated heart-rate, while I focus on my screen.

Last seen 10 minutes ago… – Online. – Last seen 5 minutes ago…” Ad infinitum.

Someone who feigns interest and then lingers you on until you figure out they’re not interested is a seriously toxic trait. Not only it will give you the illusion that you’re not good enough, you’ll invest countless stretches of time staring into the abyss waiting for something to happen. Your brain, half melting while your lungs are heavy and the air is thick… Or so it seems..

You feel lost and can’t put your finger on what it is, but you know deep down they’re doing wrong somehow. It’s a visceral gut feeling, your intuition tells you something is off. In all circumstances they’re speaking nice words to your face and putting on a nice little show, but their actions tell another story. They won’t tell you about their actions unless you confront them with specific questions. Even then you need to build a baseline to figure out if they’re lying or not…

What a waste of energy!

Though, the best way to get over this is to decide to bring the conversation to an end,
block the contact, delete the number and move onwards to better things, NOW.

The best solution I’ve found is the mental step of burning the bridge.

1) Define if that person values you and makes you feel valued.
2) Define if you’re the only one who’s making the effort or if its mutual.
3) Are you a priority in their life? Do they treat you like a priority? Or not?
4) What is your core feeling? That gut feeling? Is your nervous system tightening up?
5) Are your thoughts focussed on justifying, describing, proving, arguing?
6) What mental space do you allow them to have? Are they living in your head?
7) Do they make you feel Free? Or do they leave you feeling depressed?
8) Do they elevate you? Or do they reduce you?

Immerse yourself in a project, a constructive project which demands that you use your mind to focus on solving something.

Go for a walk, with a podcast or music. Or a run, or cycle, or anything to get you out of your “RUT”.

It’s not about the activity its self, because you might find yourself thinking about the person.
But it about creating experiences, and compounding them up. You’ll find that if you experience a few situations where you’re forced to get out of your head, you’ll quickly forget.

It’s as if, until we compound the experiences, we’re allowing ourselves to mope and sit around feeling sorry for ourselves, victims of some rotten behaviour. Though, we’re losing precious time, precious energy and life. While they’re out there doing god knows what after having used you as a stepping stone to get to where they wanted to go. – Ok ok, I know this might not help, bear with me.

The point is this, we need to forget all about them. When we get a thought about what could be,
what should be, or what might happen if. We’re envisioning THEIR potential through our minds.
We’re living in a bubble of imagination. Nothing bad will happen by Forgetting them.
And you need to do this until you’re confident in your own shoes again. It’s about building yourself up. If you’re focussed on them, you’re not giving yourself your own sunlight to grow, you’re growing that idea which then eats away at you.

If my writing inspires you,
take a look at some of the books which have
inspired me!


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