Above all, I believe in love. Maybe to some this may seem a little naïve.
Though for me, its the most important thing. It will always come first.
A while back, I believe that I met my soul mate. It was the kind of meet you see in the Pandora adverts.
Yeh, this kind ! With the lighting and all !
I turned around after getting some cash from the ATM machine, like any other day, except for the fact I was genuinely happy and in the moment. I remember smiling at a gust of “Pandora like” wind and sun blowing my way. The moment felt perfect.
She was just walking down the street, her skin was sun kissed. I immediately make my observation known. I see her and it hits me. I hadn’t seen her in ten years!
We’re both smiling like fools.
So we immediately go for coffee. She’s up for breakfast with me.
We sit at a little place nearby.
She orders exactly the same as I did. – Cappuccino, Orange and Chocolatine. –
We discuss and catch up. The discussion feels easy, it simply glides. Nothing feels out of place. It feels right.
Our eyes meet, our feet nearly touching. Is she mirroring me?! She’s leaning in.
Everything around me is but a haze, all I can focus on is her eyes… I gulp.
I glanced at her lips. Back to the coffee. I’m speaking of all sorts of things, trying to say everything that has happened to me over the course of the last 10 years.
She’s accepting what I’m saying. There is no fear in me. I feel the warmth of the exchange. Her green eyes, vivid yet reassuring. She’s empathetic.
I’m crying at the sheer pain of my own story and she can feel me I know it.
Time to change the conversation, I’m hogging air-time. “What about you?”
She shares her story, not on the same level as mine, as I know I’ve been through some pretty gruelling things over the past ten years.
Though, our eyes are locking.
She stops speaking for a few seconds to take a sip of her coffee.
A small bird lands on the table and decides to peck at the chocolatine.
I wasn’t fast enough to capture the moment on my phone. It all seems so peaceable.
She gains momentum again. Though at this point, I want to kiss her.
Everything around me has disappeared. I feel at one with her. In my mind I remind myself to “calm it” and remain neutral. Though, I’m drawn to her.
I want to spend more time with her. I need to spend more time with her.
Two hours have gone by, and she’s missed her lunch with her mum.
Maybe she was drawn in too.
I propose to go get lunch at a place nearby. She drives. We walked to her car.
The mood is still amazing, though I can feel it’s not 100%. It’s rubbed off a little bit.
She walks me to her car, and she tries to dedramatize and not give her car too much importance. Maybe she’s feeling a bit nervous or belittled by her car. I couldn’t care less. It’s just a car. There’s a pixie sticker on the back.. Maybe this is symbolical.
I just want to spend more time with her.
Once inside, I joke about going to the beach. That also kills the mood..
Though I was with the conversation – simply following the flow. “Anything is possible..”.
We walk around once the car parked. We stroll up to the top, only to find that neither of us are hungry. Though we find a place for her to have something to eat. She has a Gauffre with chocolat and asks if I want anything. I don’t. – She likes to go walking in the mountains, and seems genuinly interested by the idea of this.
I’m starting to get nervous, I’ve taken too long, maybe the exposure is too much.
Maybe I’m getting wierd. Though I havn’t done anything wrong.
I’ve had too much coffee and not enough to eat. I’m not focussed properly.
I’m dehydrated and I need to find some water. I remain as normal as possible.
We continu to share, though I do feel that I’m having to force my exchange a tiny bit.
She finishes her “Gauffre” and we walk off.
I’ve been wanting to hold her hand since we got out of the car and she keeps on giggling excitedly. She’s warm, and feels like a welcoming character.
We walk until we reach a bench and at this point I’m talking too much. Though I kiss her. She seems fine. Both of us caught up in the moment.
Then she turns cold – Ice cold frozen.
We get in the car, and she simply executes terms that we had agreed on, and drives me back to the center of town. Then drives off.. I don’t look back. Her actions say one thing, but her words tell me something else. I’m confused.
I just spent the entire time, it was amazing. Undeniable. The feeling was all present, no fear, all good.. then she became cold, and as if a cloud had passed in front of her, she had turned and was no longer accessible. Everything that I had shared; gone.
She has a boyfriend, and she’s about to move away. To another place. Maybe I shouldn’t get caught up, maybe I should try and move on. Maybe, I should wait.
Though this was the 15/05/19. We’ve had many encounters since. I’ve travelled away with the hope that she might see value in me. I’ve moved back in the hopes of seeing her again, and we have. Though only now do I doubt about the sincerity and validity of what I feel and believe. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I just wasted opportunities, with some unfounded hope that I’m not alone in this feeling? She repeatedly expresses that seeing me makes her feel good, that she likes the time we spend together.
Though she is resolute in moving away to another, bigger town.
She never initiates the conversations by herself. This is a clear sign that I should move on. But something inside keeps me wanting to go back. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I move away from this attraction? Is this really love? Or some illusion?
Why am I wasting my time like this, why am I wasting my focus; she clearly doesn’t want to be with me. Just move on, stop being so heavy, stop being so intense, stop wondering..
But this goes against everything that I believe. Am I to be cold and removed, unemotional and calculating. Like a brick?!
Step back… Don’t focus or give her any more attention. I was supposed to play tough love and not speak to her until she spoke to me. Thats the deal I made with myself when I left for Barcelona. Now I’m back, nearly 2 months later. I broke my own rule…
Although, this is entirely out of my control, and yes I may be able to influence this. The results seem to be the same.
And even if, deep down I observe how I generally feel, I have a certainty that things are going to get better. I just know it.
Will she be a part of it, or am I in the delusion and hope of a soul mate type love?